F'd Puppet of the Week Last of 2008

Merry Christmas to all...

Binge/Purge: An 80s Mix

Related: Lovesick 13-Year-Old Suburban Intellectuals: An 80s Mix

Excerpt #2 From Jack London's "The Sea-Wolf" (1904)...

Before closing this incident, I must give a scrap of conversation I had with Wolf Larsen in the cabin, while I was washing the dishes. “You were looking squeamish this afternoon,” he began. “What was the matter?” I could see that he knew what had made me possibly as sick as Harrison, that he was trying to draw me, and I answered, “It was because of the brutal treatment of that boy.” He gave a short laugh. “Like sea-sickness, I suppose. Some men are subject to it, and others are not.” “Not so,” I objected. “Just so,” he went on. “The earth is as full of brutality as the sea is full of motion. And some men are made sick by the one, and some by the other. That’s the only reason.” “But you, who make a mock of human life, don’t you place any value upon it whatever?” I demanded. “Value? What value?” He looked at me, and though his eyes were steady and motionless, there seemed a cynical smile in them. “What kind of value? How do you measure it? Who values it?” “I do,” I made answer. “Then what is it worth to you? Another man’s life, I mean. Come now, what is it worth?” The value of life? How could I put a tangible value upon it? Somehow, I, who have always had expression, lacked expression when with Wolf Larsen. I have since determined that a part of it was due to the man’s personality, but that the greater part was due to his totally different outlook. Unlike other materialists I had met and with whom I had something in common to start on, I had nothing in common with him. Perhaps, also, it was the elemental simplicity of his mind that baffled me. He drove so directly to the core of the matter, divesting a question always of all superfluous details, and with such an air of finality, that I seemed to find myself struggling in deep water, with no footing under me. Value of life? How could I answer the question on the spur of the moment? The sacredness of life I had accepted as axiomatic. That it was intrinsically valuable was a truism I had never questioned. But when he challenged the truism I was speechless. “We were talking about this yesterday,” he said. “I held that life was a ferment, a yeasty something which devoured life that it might live, and that living was merely successful piggishness. Why, if there is anything in supply and demand, life is the cheapest thing in the world. There is only so much water, so much earth, so much air; but the life that is demanding to be born is limitless. Nature is a spendthrift. Look at the fish and their millions of eggs. For that matter, look at you and me. In our loins are the possibilities of millions of lives. Could we but find time and opportunity and utilize the last bit and every bit of the unborn life that is in us, we could become the fathers of nations and populate continents. Life? Bah! It has no value. Of cheap things it is the cheapest. Everywhere it goes begging. Nature spills it out with a lavish hand. Where there is room for one life, she sows a thousand lives, and it’s life eats life till the strongest and most piggish life is left.” “You have read Darwin,” I said. “But you read him misunderstandingly when you conclude that the struggle for existence sanctions your wanton destruction of life.” He shrugged his shoulders. “You know you only mean that in relation to human life, for of the flesh and the fowl and the fish you destroy as much as I or any other man. And human life is in no wise different, though you feel it is and think that you reason why it is. Why should I be parsimonious with this life which is cheap and without value? There are more sailors than there are ships on the sea for them, more workers than there are factories or machines for them. Why, you who live on the land know that you house your poor people in the slums of cities and loose famine and pestilence upon them, and that there still remain more poor people, dying for want of a crust of bread and a bit of meat (which is life destroyed), than you know what to do with. Have you ever seen the London dockers fighting like wild beasts for a chance to work?” He started for the companion stairs, but turned his head for a final word. “Do you know the only value life has is what life puts upon itself? And it is of course over-estimated since it is of necessity prejudiced in its own favour. Take that man I had aloft. He held on as if he were a precious thing, a treasure beyond diamonds or rubies. To you? No. To me? Not at all. To himself? Yes. But I do not accept his estimate. He sadly overrates himself. There is plenty more life demanding to be born. Had he fallen and dripped his brains upon the deck like honey from the comb, there would have been no loss to the world. He was worth nothing to the world. The supply is too large. To himself only was he of value, and to show how fictitious even this value was, being dead he is unconscious that he has lost himself. He alone rated himself beyond diamonds and rubies. Diamonds and rubies are gone, spread out on the deck to be washed away by a bucket of sea-water, and he does not even know that the diamonds and rubies are gone. He does not lose anything, for with the loss of himself he loses the knowledge of loss. Don’t you see? And what have you to say?” “That you are at least consistent,” was all I could say, and I went on washing the dishes. Related: From Jack London's "The Sea-Wolf" (1904)...

Hey! Gather The Kids And Sing Along With Gilbert O'Sullivan's "Alone Again, Naturally," The Most Depressing Smash Hit Single EVER!

From Wikipedia "...In 1972, his international star rose after his self-penned ballad, 'Alone Again (Naturally),' a No. 3 hit in UK, became a chart-topper in the U.S., spending six weeks at number one (!!!) on the Billboard Hot 100 chart and selling nearly two million copies there..." I have a theory that every song that was ever on any of the Billboard charts (1) is some couple's song and (2) served as mood music during the conception of a baby. "Honey! Honey! They're playing our song! They're playing 'Along Again, Naturally!'" At a bare minimum, during the six weeks it reigned the charts, the kids were fucking like crazy in the back seats of cars to this song about throwing in the towel. I'm also fixated with Gordon Lightfoot's "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald," a song which reached #2 on the Billboard charts in '76 and remains a cornerstone of mellow radio. Now, I'm a fan of Gordo's music, and I love the spooky production on that tune in particular,...but it's a DIRGE about a bunch of guys dyin' in a goddamn boating accident! And the kids were slow-dancing & fucking to it!

My Favorite Passage From Cormac McCarthy's "All The Pretty Horses" (1992)

Page 141 (punctuation is as the author intended) ...They'd ride at night up along the western mesa two hours from the ranch and sometimes he'd build a fire and they could see the gaslights at the hacienda gates far below them floating in a pool of black and sometimes the lights seemed to move as if the world down there turned on some other center and they saw stars fall to earth by the hundreds and she told him stories of her father's family and of Mexico. Going back they'd walk the horses into the lake and the horses would stand and drink with the water at their chests and the stars in the lake bobbed and tilted where they drank and if it rained in the mountains the air would be close and the night more warm and one night he left her and rode down along the edge of the lake through the sedge and willow and slid from the horses back and pulled off his boots and his clothes and walked out into the lake where the moon slid away before him and ducks gabbled out there in the dark. The water was black and warm and he turned in the lake and spread his arms in the water and the water was so dark and so silky and he watched across the still black surface to where she stood on the shore with the horse and he watched where she stepped from her pooled clothing so pale, so pale, like a chrysalis emerging, and walked into the water. She paused midway to look back. Standing there trembling in the water and not from the cold for there was none. Do not speak to her. Do not call. When she reached him he held out his hand and she took it. She was so pale in the lake she seemed to be burning. Like foxfire in a darkened wood. That burned cold. Like the moon that burned cold. Her black hair floating on the water about her, falling and floating on the water. She put her other arm about his shoulder and looked toward the moon in the west do not speak to her do not call and then she turned her face up to him. Sweeter for the larceny of time and flesh, sweeter for the betrayal. Nesting cranes that stood singlefooted among the cane on the south shore had pulled their slender beaks from their wingpits to watch. Me quieres? she said. Yes, he said. He said her name. God yes, he said.

Sucker Bait

7 Up-Tempo Pink Floyd Songs

Related: 7 Incredibly Sad Pink Floyd Songs

Combovers! Combovers! Combovers! Hooray!

(CLICK TO ZOOM EVEN CLOSER!) If you have sadomasochistic inclinations, I recommend saving the image to your computer and setting it to tile as your desktop wallpaper. And if you've ever aspired to have your name added to a watch list, you might also wish to consider sending a copy in a self-addressed envelope to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

A Potpourri Of Reverb

From Wikipedia: "Reverberation is the persistence of sound in a particular space after the original sound is removed. A reverberation, or reverb, is created when a sound is produced in an enclosed space causing a large number of echoes to build up and then slowly decay as the sound is absorbed by the walls and air. This is most noticeable when the sound source stops but the reflections continue, decreasing in amplitude, until they can no longer be heard. The length of this sound decay, or reverberation time, receives special consideration in the architectural design of large chambers, which need to have specific reverberation times to achieve optimum performance for their intended activity."

A Brief Recoil Anthology

(NOTE: Track 1 fades in very slowly) From Wikipedia: "Recoil is a musical project created by former Depeche Mode member Alan Wilder. Essentially a solo venture, Recoil began whilst Wilder was still in Depeche Mode, as an outlet for his experimental, less pop-oriented compositions. Once he announced his departure from the group in 1995, Recoil was transformed from a small side-project, into Wilder's primary musical enterprise." Related: The Concise Guide To Alan Wilder-Era Depeche Mode

7 Incredibly Sad Pink Floyd Songs

Related: 7 Up-Tempo Pink Floyd Songs

Scenes From The 1949 Frank Capra Classic "Please Refrain From Placing Your Dick On The Garnish Tray, Senator!"

Only By Repeatedly Exposing It To Loud Doses Of Big Band Music Can We Hope To Forestall Its Urge To Bite Jagged Chunks From The Children

Small Boy's Glands Attacked By Tiny Transluscent Worms Following Close Encounter With Gene Autry's Sour Slacks

Despite Best Efforts, Entertainer Louis Jordan Fails To Inject The Boogie Woogie Into The Cold-As-Death Souls Of His All-White Prep School Audience

From Jack London's "The Sea-Wolf" (1904)...

“What do you believe, then?” I countered. “I believe that life is a mess,” he answered promptly. “It is like yeast, a ferment, a thing that moves and may move for a minute, an hour, a year, or a hundred years, but that in the end will cease to move. The big eat the little that they may continue to move, the strong eat the weak that they may retain their strength. The lucky eat the most and move the longest, that is all. What do you make of those things?” He swept his am in an impatient gesture toward a number of the sailors who were working on some kind of rope stuff amidships. “They move, so does the jelly-fish move. They move in order to eat in order that they may keep moving. There you have it. They live for their belly’s sake, and the belly is for their sake. It’s a circle; you get nowhere. Neither do they. In the end they come to a standstill. They move no more. They are dead.” “They have dreams,” I interrupted, “radiant, flashing dreams—” “Of grub,” he concluded sententiously. “And of more—” “Grub. Of a larger appetite and more luck in satisfying it.” His voice sounded harsh. There was no levity in it. “For, look you, they dream of making lucky voyages which will bring them more money, of becoming the mates of ships, of finding fortunes—in short, of being in a better position for preying on their fellows, of having all night in, good grub and somebody else to do the dirty work. You and I are just like them. There is no difference, except that we have eaten more and better. I am eating them now, and you too. But in the past you have eaten more than I have. You have slept in soft beds, and worn fine clothes, and eaten good meals. Who made those beds? and those clothes? and those meals? Not you. You never made anything in your own sweat. You live on an income which your father earned. You are like a frigate bird swooping down upon the boobies and robbing them of the fish they have caught. You are one with a crowd of men who have made what they call a government, who are masters of all the other men, and who eat the food the other men get and would like to eat themselves. You wear the warm clothes. They made the clothes, but they shiver in rags and ask you, the lawyer, or business agent who handles your money, for a job.” “But that is beside the matter,” I cried. “Not at all.” He was speaking rapidly now, and his eyes were flashing. “It is piggishness, and it is life. Of what use or sense is an immortality of piggishness? What is the end? What is it all about? You have made no food. Yet the food you have eaten or wasted might have saved the lives of a score of wretches who made the food but did not eat it. What immortal end did you serve? or did they? Consider yourself and me. What does your boasted immortality amount to when your life runs foul of mine? You would like to go back to the land, which is a favourable place for your kind of piggishness. It is a whim of mine to keep you aboard this ship, where my piggishness flourishes. And keep you I will. I may make or break you. You may die to-day, this week, or next month. I could kill you now, with a blow of my fist, for you are a miserable weakling. But if we are immortal, what is the reason for this? To be piggish as you and I have been all our lives does not seem to be just the thing for immortals to be doing. Again, what’s it all about? Why have I kept you here?—” “Because you are stronger,” I managed to blurt out. “But why stronger?” he went on at once with his perpetual queries. “Because I am a bigger bit of the ferment than you? Don’t you see? Don’t you see?” “But the hopelessness of it,” I protested. “I agree with you,” he answered. “Then why move at all, since moving is living? Without moving and being part of the yeast there would be no hopelessness. But,—and there it is,—we want to live and move, though we have no reason to, because it happens that it is the nature of life to live and move, to want to live and move. If it were not for this, life would be dead. It is because of this life that is in you that you dream of your immortality. The life that is in you is alive and wants to go on being alive for ever. Bah! An eternity of piggishness!” Related: Excerpt #2 From Jack London's "The Sea-Wolf" (1904)...

PIZZA TEEN! Readers Poll Results

QUESTION: Which of the following spam headlines did *NOT* appear in my inbox this week?

• Hot For Heft Whores And Harlots! 14%
• Kanye West Lays The Pipe! 57%
• Theodore Roosevelt Was A Gay Man 14%
• John Edwards Admits Fathering Clay Aiken's Baby 0%
• Men With Big Penises Go To Heaven! 0%
• Paris Hilton To Operate New Atom Smasher 14%

ANSWER: Kanye West Lays The Pipe!

A Simulation Of The Effects Of Malnutrition On The Human Brain

I know it's an uncomfortable thought, but remember, this is all taking place in the imagination of an impoverished inner city black boy. And yes, your eyes don't deceive you: the three singers are molded from synthetic cheddar cheese and coagulated liquid shit. It's perfectly understandable if you stop the video after 30 seconds.

Here's That Video Of A Guy Clipping His Toenails In His Goddamn Underwear Which No One Requested

Recommended soundtrack...

Transsexual Paul McCartney + Can Opener/Guitar + Kasparov + Dave Coulier On Bass

Roof Vents As Far As The Eye Can See + Tiny Pointy Booties

I had a nightmare a short while ago that my girlfriend shapeshifted into Ronnie James Dio while I was making out with her and refused to switch back.

This Needs To Be About 9 Minutes Longer

Marc Singer, Dick Cheney, And A Random Chinese Guy

PIZZA TEEN! December 2008 Artist In Residence: Eric Elvis

PIZZA TEEN! Krafty Kidz Korner

Can you spot the picture which is different from the others? Look closely. If you get stuck, ask an adult for help. Also, avoid smoking cigarettes.

F'd Puppet of the Week 9/28/08

Where does the middle east get the idea that we are insensitive to their cultural traditions???

F'd Puppet of the Week 9/15/08

It's not dark, or crazy, or retro, or funny (in a weird way), or involving sex, death, midgets or monkies - it's just sweet, and makes me smile, and that's what I need right now.

Crap Without Context #11

Crap Without Context #10

Crap Without Context #9

Crap Without Context #8

Crap Without Context #7

Crap Without Context #6

F'd Puppet of the Week

I found these on Flickr. They are done by a six year old kid. I love them. There is something folksy about them, but they are still fairly sophisticated drawings for that age. I also love that he is doing paper bag puppets. Check out the rest of them at

http://flickr.com/photos/srogan/sets/72157606713684740/

Crap Without Context #5

Crap Without Context #4

Crap Without Context #3

Let's all plunge to our Icy Death! Weee!!!

If the rental place is all out of the play tent shaped like a gas chamber from Auschwitz, you can get this instead. The Titanic, iceberg and sinking ship fun slide combo. Made in China - of course. What kind of theme party would you order this for? Great moments in human suffering?

The #1 Combo with a small Fry

At 2:20 Billy Barty does an impression of Liberace.

Crap Without Context #2

Crap Without Context #1

F'd Puppt of the Week 8/24/08

I guess it's the implications of sex that make this creepy. These women are seriously considering having sexual intercourse with a ventriloquist dummy.

PIZZA TEEN! Readers Poll Results

QUESTION: Your 12th-level Magic-User discovers a "Raise Dead" scroll while exploring the dungeon lair of the Bugbear. Based purely on the blurred images above, which corpse do you choose to reanimate?

• A 28%
• B 14%
• C 28%
• D 28%

And now for the reveal!

• A = Benito Mussolini
• B = Andre The Giant
• C = Richard Nixon
• D = Fred "Rerun" Berry

As the Dungeon Master, I rule that your collective indecisiveness results in the following: They all remain dead. Be sure to vote in the current poll!

Ronnie oder Klaus?

Ronnie James Dio ist eine Heavy Metal-Superstar! Ronnie ist cool! er ermöglicht fotos mit fans! Aber, Klaus Meine singt für die SCORPIONS! Sie sind wunderbar! Er ist auch cool mit fans! Klaus ist kurz! nur 163 Zentimeter groß! (5 '4 ") Ronnie ist AUCH 163 Zentimeter! Eine kleine Puppe! Wer ist besser? Ronnie oder Klaus? Ronnie.... ...oder Klaus?

PIZZA TEEN! Readers Poll Results

QUESTION: Based solely upon the anonymous photos above, which individual was once arrested by the Dallas County Sheriff's Department for "illicit solicitation of a minor"?

• A 16%
• B 0%
• C 83%
• D 0%
• None of the above

And now for the reveal!

• A = Art Carney
• B = Mary Lou Retton
• C = Rod Stewart
• D = Karen Carpenter

And the answer? None of the above! Be sure to vote in the current poll!

Four Spectacular Moments With Yor: The Warrior From The Future!

F'd Puppet of the Week 8/10/08

The Olympics, American Style.

Calder's Circus, 1926-1931

Always makes a visit to the Whitney Museum in New York worth while.

A PIZZA TEEN! WTF?! Photo Of The Day

Excellent work, mysterious vandal! This subtle master stroke is currently on display for a limited engagement at the 45th Road/Court House Square #7 subway platform in Long Island City, Queens.

PIZZA TEEN! Readers Poll Results

QUESTION: Stare deep into Rasputin's eyes, peasant! Tell me what darkness unfolds within your mind!

• Doc Severinsen and the NBC Orchestra teaching grade school kids how to huff gas! 44%
• Kirk, Spock and McCoy making out with your Dad! 33%
• Tiger Woods and Martha Raye ferociously biting one another over the last diet Dr. Pepper! 22%
• Tom Robinson busting up a chifferobe with the carcass of an oompa loompa! 0%

Be sure to vote in the current poll!

Is Better Off Dead An Under-The-Radar Sequel To Fast Times At Ridgement High?

Consider the evidence:

1. Actress Amanda Wyss: ball-busting girlfriend in FTARH, ball-busting girlfriend in BOD.
2. Actor Vincent Schiavelli: eccentric teacher in FTARH, eccentric teacher in BOD.
3. Actor Taylor Negron: Pizza delivery guy with a shitty attitude in FTARH, mail delivery guy with a shitty attitude in BOD.
4. Both films utilize Darlene Love's performance of "Winter Wonderland."

Hmmm. Pure coincidence...or deliberate?

F'd Puppet of the Week 8/3/08

With all the crap I am dealing with right now I was none to fired up for the trip to Cirque du Soleil that my sister had planed for today, but I succumbed to the welcome break from reality, and all the lights, colors and wonders I saw today have me in a milder, melancholy mood. So I offer up this sweet little gem of the famous and rather dull puppet circus from the 1950's. It's like when I was finishing college and used to come home from class and watch "Saved by the Bell". Sometimes you just want to let your brain veg-out. Enjoy.

New High Score On Tron: 187,870!

Seems fitting that it should take me 26 goddamn years and an actual bootleged preview of the film's oft rumored sequel before I finally-- FINALLY! -- hit the painfully elusive "USER" level of the game. This was played on M.A.M.E. with the Tron rom set 1. I used to haul my mom's empty glass bottles of RC up to 7-Eleven in the rain on my Murray BMX bike just so I could score enough change for three or four games of Tron at Galaxy World in Carol Stream, Illinois. Here's a video of the game for those who have never seen it in action.

The Golden Age Of 4AD

Before the internet, buying records was often a gamble. You typically bought an album based upon 1 or 2 singles you'd heard, and it seemed like half the time you got boned in the process. A good album was one which had 3 or 4 tracks on it which you really liked. Well, when it came to the record label 4AD during the span of time which the tracks above represent (roughly 1986 to 2000), the number of excellent tracks per album was consistently higher than most. I soon got to the point where I would buy just about any album they manufactured without having heard a single note. While the rest of the kids were worshiping disheveled boys from Seattle and Chicago, I was playing the holy crap out of that live Michael Brook album (see the track "Red Shift" above). I hated grunge (still do) and I remain bitter that it distracted attention away from bands like Pale Saints. Don't even talk to me about Nirvana and Pearl Jam...although even I have to admit that they seem charming compared with the stuff which has usurped them. I'm aware that there are some glaring omissions from the set list (The Pixies, The Birthday Party, and Bauhaus, for example). You're welcome to complain about it in the comments. Related: The Concise Guide To The Cocteau Twins.

Robot Wrecks (1941)

Here's a rare thing: A war-era "Our Gang" short which doesn't completely suck ass!

It still suffers from a groan-inducing heavy-handed moral lesson...unlike the cool, politically-incorrect shorts from the 30s which actually encouraged kids to behave like kids rather than small professionals. But they did three things right here: (1) "Volto" is menacing enough to pass for an early product of Cyberdyne Systems, (2) the little creep who slips inside the Radar O’Reilly "row boat" makes for a convincing bastard with his delivery of the line "then I give 'em the woiks!" and (3) mom's voice. Consider naming your future children "Boxcar" and "Slicker."

State Of The Music Industry: Part 2

One of the following performers is a multi-millionare who is celebrated by serious critics and adoring fans alike. The other has Down syndrome, lives in a group home, and has become a frequent topic for cruel humor in online forums. Here are the questions I'd like you to grapple with for your PIZZA TEEN! term paper: Is one product dramatically superior to the other? How so?

-

UPDATE! If you are having trouble viewing the second video, try here instead.

Lovesick 13-Year-Old Suburban Intellectuals: An 80s Mix

PIZZA TEEN! Readers Poll Results

QUESTION: Which of the above album covers evokes the most sympathy for Andrea Bocelli's blindness?

• A: The Best of Andrea Bocelli: Vivere 33%
• B: Amore 33%
• C: Cieli di Toscana 33%
• D: Romanza 0%

Be sure to vote in the current poll!

F'd Puppet of the Week 7/27/08

F'd Puppet of the Week 7/21/08

Show's over kids.

Ozone's Face Slowed Down

If Matthew Barney had made this, it would have been hailed as "important."

F'd Puppet of the Week 7/13/08

Now I know what became of my old friend from high school - Todd Agusto. His Elvis-likeness was famed in and out of the halls of Lincoln-Way. I lost track of him a couple of years into college. He apparently has been shrunk by some kind of evil genius and is now performing as the dummy in a ventriloquist act in Vegas. The strange part about the whole thing is, it doesn't surprise me.

F'd Puppet of the Week 7/6/08

WTF?

God Bless America

Happy 4th everyone

Sammy Hagar: Rocker/Special Ops Commando

(Inspired by the preceding post and brought back out of my dimmest memories by this entertaining article from yesterday's Onion.) Legend has it that Sammy got home from a screening of Rambo at his local multiplex, and started penning this song with his right hand while pleasuring himself with his left. Dropping into the White House dressed like a party clown, he's immediately shipped off to the Middle East with a suitcase full of ninja throwing stars to clean house. It's a catchy tune, but even more rewarding if you're familiar with the inspiring, patriotic lyrics. Print this out to sing along.

Nicki Rose: Electric Warrior/Autoeroticist

Nicki Rose's talent is so huge, there's no space on the literal nor psychological stage for a backing band. Physically, he's a crossbreed of Dirty Dancing's Jennifer Grey and Atreyu from The Neverending Story. That fan blasting in his face seems to be drying out his contact lenses something awful! My apologies to the gang over at Ow! My Sweet Eyes! for sniping their featured video from a couple of days ago, but it was a secret which required spreading.

Allergies

I have spent over 6 weeks suffering under the weight of severe allergies. I am whacked up on 4 different prescriptions and two of those inhalers kids used to stuff into their tube sock during gym class in case they had an asthma attack. The chronic coughing keeps me up until 3-4AM every night, my entire body aches, I routinely vomit up phlegm, and I have passed the breaking point mentally to a place of acceptance and giddiness. All I can do now, is laugh. I offer up to the bronchial gods this MadTV classic with hopes they will remove my curse!

18 Minutes With Naked Raygun

When it comes down to it, these guys are the only Chicago band I still enthusiastically listen to. My first concert was a Naked Raygun show at the Riviera in '87, and the fanatical energy of the crowd scared the shit out of me. The two live tracks here are from that show. Favorite tracks on the playlist? "The Envelope" and "Knock Me Down."

A PIZZA TEEN! WTF?! Photo Of The Day

How to determine if you are a boob in one easy step: (1) buy this product. Retail price: $230. I've come to the conclusion that you have to be a graphic designer or a graphic designer in training (i.e. skateboarder or "graffiti" artist) to really understand the appeal of trading cash for hyper-designed vinyl and plastic toys like the ones sold at kidrobot. And although I pay my rent as a designer for a popular youth-oriented lifestyle corporation, they still strike me as little more than silly dust collectors better viewed than owned. But beyond that, you'd have to be a bonafied dipshit to not recognize to utter lameness of a Sex Pistols "bearbrick."

State Of The Music Industry: Part 1

If you can get past the 1-minute mark, you are a stronger person than myself.

F'd Puppet of the Week 6/29/08

I present this in honor of Gay Pride Month. Why hasn't THIS old TV show been made into a movie yet? And I think we have discovered what drove a young Corey Feldman to drugs...

A PIZZA TEEN! WTF?! Photo Of The Day

PIZZA TEEN! foreign correspondent Paul DeGeorges has risked life & limb to wire the hard-hitting photos below from the frontlines of Killarney, Ireland. We'll have more on this breaking international catastrophe as it develops. May God have mercy on the souls of the good people of Killarney. Our lives are now bisected into the placid bubble of innocence we enjoyed before we saw these photos and the lives we must live afterward.

A PIZZA TEEN! WTF?! Photo Of The Day

Spotted in Soho near the corner of Prince & Mercer. Notice the lovely updated giant robot from the album art of Queen's "News of the World"-- the bloodied corpses of Brian and Freddie have been substituted with a crystalline rose. And is that a nude Emmylou Harris in the foreground? God, I hope so!

Three Awkward Moments with Andy Kaufman

Andy Drops A Sketch and Abuses The Actors Kaufman hosts a live broadcast of Fridays and gives up on a skit halfway through, leading to on-air fisticuffs. Andy actually planned the prank with cast member Michael Richards (who would go on to stardom with his role in Transylvania 6-5000) as well as the producer seen at the end, but the other actors weren't in on the joke. Without the meltdown, It's a tired, unfunny routine (was there ever a Fridays skit that didn't involve recreational drugs?) turning a forgettable moment into an unforgettable (but very uncomfortable) one. Andy Displays Contempt for His Fans Andy torments his television audience during the end credits of his PBS special, pretending to drop the television facade and show his true colors. (by the way, he really was a vegetarian). Jerry Lawler Slaps Andy Around I almost didn't include this, since we've all seen it already, but this is an uncensored cut. Like the Friday's incident, it was staged. Kaufman and Lawler were friends. However, Andy really did need that brace; the neck injury was real. Comedy genius or misanthropic sociopath? You decide. (bonus links: Andy's adopted children, and his appearance on the dating game)

PIZZA TEEN! Readers Poll Results

QUESTION: How does the image above make you feel?

• Despondent 0%
• Optimistic 16%
• Hungry 0%
• Patriotic 33%
• Horny 50%

Be sure to vote in the current poll!

"OBLIGING LADY"

The modified "Tijuana Bible" below comes from the website of Ethan Persoff. Politically, it's actually kind of empty-- he just pops a few heads over other heads. If you are a kid or someone easily offended, you should probably go no further. But if you are a weirdo like me, proceed by clicking the image. Ethan has a bundle of other novelties on his site. I recommend checking out his image game, "Poodle"

In Honor Of The Passing Of Honorary PIZZA TEEN! Grand Poobah George Denis Patrick Carlin, 1937-2008

Well, I suppose he knows for certain now.

PIZZA TEEN! Essential Viewing: Tex Avery's "The Flea Circus"

PIZZA TEEN! Readers Poll Results

QUESTION: The complicated hairdos of four popular musicians enter Thunderdome. Select the owner of the victorious mane.

• Art Garfunkel 57%
• Don Henley (Hotel California era) 14%
• Neal Schon (late 70s) 0%
• Martin Gore (Some Great Reward era) 28%

Be sure to vote in the current poll!

4 Worthwhile Tracks From The Revenge Of The Nerds Soundtrack

The retail version of the Revenge of the Nerds soundtrack is incredibly disappointing. It consists of 10 tracks. 4 of them are iconic and are presented here. If you've seen the film, you'll surely recall them. The omitted tracks consist of the title track (played at the beginning of the film and utterly obnoxious when heard alone) and 5 pop songs which served as background fodder-- I only recall hearing one of them, yet I estimate I've seem the film 40 times. Plus, they suck! I'm sure there were legal complications which prevented the inclusion of "Burning Down the House," "Thriller," the Mission Impossible theme, and "We Are the Champions," but where's the other less complicated stuff like the Japanese version of "Daisy," or the various computer-driven incidental themes? Oh well. A very special thank you to D. Bratton at safetybear.com.

F'd Puppet of the Week 6/15/08

Advisory - Contains violence, harsh language, and a puppet that will give you nightmares on par with that freaky clown from Poltergiest.

Retrotech: Newton

With its Übercute "Disney's Black Hole" school of robot design, a 16-bit computer, 720k floppy drive, built-in telephone answering machine, and a $12,000 price tag (in 1989 dollars), why didn't every home have one of these? Maybe because it's little more than a pricey version of the Big Trak, only without the useful cargo transport capabilites.

F'd Puppet of the Week 6/8/08

Why does this have better production value than the last three Tim Burton movies???

Jazz For The Acquisition Of Merchandise OR Falling Down A Long Flight Of Stairs

Jennifer Sullivan's "Ms. Walden Woods Dancehall Queen"

According to legend, Henry David Thoreau once performed a similar dance to Stephen Foster's "Camptown Races." Here's Jennifer's website.

F'd Puppet of the Week 6/1/08

Yes, in the early days, Jim Henson hawked anything he could to get the money he needed to get going, including bread, LaChoy canned crap, RC Cola, and of course Wilkins Coffee. But my favorie is this meat company. Vague, characterless Muppets selling vague, unidentifiable luncheon meats. I particulalry like the end as one Muppet send the other to his certain death in the darkest, pointiest tree I have ever seen this side of a Tim Burton flick. Enjoy!