October 24, 2011

Willy Wonka & The Three Sheets Of Stink

I loaned my copy of the Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory DVD to a friend years ago. I hadn't watched it since she returned it. Yesterday, I was in the mood to watch the film, and it turns out she had totally scratched the shit out of the disk. It looked like she'd been carrying it around in a sack of thumbtacks and steel wool. I tried to play it, but the disk freezes up a few minutes into the film. I wish I could be content streaming it online, but the disk-only commentary track with the actors who played the kids is spectacular.

Coincidentally, a 40th anniversary version of the film was released last Tuesday. The DVD was only 10 bucks, so fine, I bought it. It's the exact same disk I had, just different packaging. To try and trick you into thinking you're getting something special, they've stuffed three sheets of scratch and sniff stickers inside. They smell just like those awful scented candles at the dollar store: that ultra-sweet, ultra-chemically, headachy, flowery toxic-candy stink. Most of the images on the stickers are banal, but check this out. Here's a scan of one of the sheets. What's with the creepy image of Augustus Gloop stuck in the tube at the lower right? Click to enlarge.

So, okay, fine, if they want to play that game, let's go all the way, man. ALL THE FUCKING WAY! Consider printing these out on a sticker sheet and sticking them all over your Dad's feet and oily forehead when he passes out in the la-z-boy.

October 18, 2011


Original + Special Edition.

October 15, 2011

Dick Versus Dick

A friend had the first one posted on her blog. I've been threatening to make a new blog of my own called Hot Porn Ruined By Dick Cheney, so...

August 31, 2011

My New Best Friend

This beastly Mongo-like chunk in a dirty diaper is my new best friend. I ride upon his shoulders, digging my fingers deep into the beefy-smelling juiciness of his creamy neck fat. He eats pets and wood and bricks and furniture and other children, and not even the combined efforts of our National Forces can stop him. In private, I have earned his trust, and he has confided in me that he vows to have Duke Leto Attreides' signet ring and control of the spice!

June 23, 2011

Enchanted Children Hunting Easter Eggs

The thing is, I vividly recall every detail of this moment. I remember being rushed into position by the photographer. You're probably thinking I look like I was bursting with glee because of the rabbit. I wasn't. I'm sneaking a greasy glance at that girl's ugly hat and thinking, "Kid, it's warm out. Why are you wearing that stupid hat? Take a hike! This is MY time!"

And at that very moment in an alternate universe...

June 16, 2011

I Gotta Ask...

When Wayland Flowers was trying to get it on with another guy for the first time, do you suppose he ever whipped out Madame and used the puppet's charms to overcome his lover's inhibitions? Come on, he MUST have.

That's Mighty Fine Tickin', Maw

Pig In a Pickle from Walter Lantz Studios, 1954

Here's another one which remains branded into my brain verbatim, note for note, despite the 20-plus years of adventures since the last time I saw it. The video is a shitty screen capture, but it's the best version I've seen.

Hillbillies fascinate and terrify me. I suspect this cartoon served as the foundation for that disposition.

Aw, Ya Sissy!

Adventures of Popeye from Fleischer Studios, 1935

Been searching for this for years! I hadn't seen it since I was maybe 11-years-old, but it's interesting how precisely I remember the rhythm and tone of all the sounds. The live-action stuff at the beginning and end are particularly strange. Seeing that freckled-faced, sour-puss punk getting busted hard in the chin by a sissy jacked-up on spinach remains one of the most satisfying endings I've ever seen. It's frustrating to see the hyper-kinetic animation of today in comparison to this hand-rendered Fleischer Studios stuff because there's so much soul on display. It's a lost art, a far better art, in my opinion.

June 07, 2011

May 11, 2011

Nick El Rabo. Nico El Rico.

Feel free to turn the volume as high as it'll fuckin' go, then play them simultaneously.

March 15, 2011

Absurd Juxtaposition #0014 - VIDEO!

One from the Pizza Teen! archives. Originally appeared 10/8/07.

Play them simultaneously.