January 10, 2008

On The Origin of PIZZA TEEN!

BEHOLD! PIZZA KING! A culinary institution in New Lenox, Illinois, since the dawn of time! Those two giant windows overlook historic Route 30, the main drag through the center of town. On Friday and Saturday nights, the owner parks one of his many muscle cars right out front and the pizza preparation counter is manned by a small army of cutesy High School girls with perky boobs all a'jiggle as they lovingly craft your triple-meat-triple-cheese artery cork. Among my friends, these girls became known as the "Pizza King Pizza Teens." As you drive past the place, your eye is initially drawn to the sex chariot, then it moves to the side-to-side, up-and-down motion of firm golden hoo-hoos straining against tight T-shirts beyond the window glass. It's like a G-rated peepshow. In time, we all began to refer to the place as simply "Pizza Teen." Now, the story technically ends with the above explanation, but there's a theory behind this as well. I believe that if you stuffed all American popular culture into a pot and left it on the stove to boil for several days, in the end, you would be left with only two words: "pizza" and "teen." I'm willing to admit that this is probably a sad over-rationalization on my part to make me feel a little better about owning such a stupid domain name, but it holds up and makes people laugh, so I'm sticking to it.

4 comments:

Antione said...

what the nothing

Anonymous said...

The remark of Pizza King as an institution having existed since the dawn of time is quite possibly true. As I walked through the door to pick up an application for the window advertisment of cook, the ancient odor of not fully cleaned pizzaria flooring (you know the smell that takes 20 or 30 years to build up, from the bits of old moldy cheese and sausage that fell behind the prep counter) swiftly assaulted my senses.
Upon returning the application and watching the owners excited reaction to the "driver/ sucker" he was about to hire... As I said I was applying for the cooks position, he tells me that he "pretty much has that covered." and "driving is where the money's at" Driving? money? With gas at $4.00 plus a gallon drivers that arn't getting 50 mpg are more than likly paying out of there own pockets to do the job. So I reiterated that I was not interested and as I walked out of the door and inhaled the exhaust perfumed air (relieved for the fresh smell) I recalled from my days in High school and college that he doesn't hire Y chromosomes to work in the kitchen, and as I pondered this I found that I had never seen a male in the window in the past 30 years. Indeed that cook wanted sign was there for more than 2 weeks after. Yes, Pizza Teen was all about Tits before Hooters was a jiggle in its founders eye. I guess he just didn't have the corporate backing or prefered to keep the soft family teeny porn on a community level.

Allan said...

A well written 5-pepperoni explanation.

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