December 30, 2007

F'd Puppet of the Week 12/30/07

After a 36 year streak of dental good fortune I think I may have developed my first cavity. I have a tooth that is giving me a dickens of a time so I am shoping around for a dentist. Behold, Dr. Ferguson...

Fun for Lil' Psychopaths

I got this framed, diabolically retarded comic book advertisement as a christmas gift from my brother and sister-in-law which promotes a series of models released by Aurora in 1971, on store shelves for just days before being discontinued due to pressure from concerned parents (although they continued to be sold in canada) and eventually put Aurora out of business entirely. Too bad... these would have been perfect gifts for boys who'd otherwise occupy their time with animal torture. Needless to say, even when these unbelievably cool models become available in unboxed, assembled, and painted form, they go for hundreds on ebay. Resin recasts of the originals in replica boxes, as well as unreleased prototypes, are also available for big bucks. (click images to enlarge)

December 26, 2007

Necessary Vandalism, December 26, 2007

I admit it: I visited Ach-N-Lou's Pizza Pub in Aurora, IL, this evening, and I left this senseless act of vandalism on one of the backroom picnic tables in my wake. I would have never considered doing this if they had not removed the goddamn Ms. Pac-Man/Galaga hybrid game.

PIZZA TEEN! Readers Poll Results

QUESTION: Which of these classics best captures the spirit of the holidays?

  • RoboCop (1987) 40%
  • Koyaanisqatsi (1982) 0%
  • The Deer Hunter (1978) 20%
  • Superman II (1980) 20%
  • Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948) 20%
Be sure to vote in the current poll!

December 23, 2007

Call Now! Operators Are Standing By.

F'd Puppet of the Week 12/23/07

What else could I possibly post but this. It's Christmas, it's my favorite puppets, Punch and Judy, and it's really, really F'd. Merry Christmas all...

December 22, 2007

A Surefire Recipe For Highly Entertaining Stupidity

Take a 1-pound chunk of Mick Jagger. Dice it with a switchblade. Add 3 squirts of Lemmy von Motörhead fluid. Add 1 scoop of soggy shredded denim and a fistful of oily Allman Brothers pubic hair. Gently stir with a dirty ashtray until well mixed. Dump the mixture into a public toilet. Shit in the toilet. Empty 8 cases of warm High Life into the toilet. Allow to congeal for 30 days. Angrily toss in a random grab bag of pills until something interesting starts to happen. Quickly sign it to a recording contract, then stand back and watch the magic!...

December 21, 2007

Merry Christmas from Chris Hitchens

I showed up to LAX way too early for my flight last week to new york. The plane was delayed, so I spent four hours in the terminal, plenty of time to read. But The airport was playing christmas songs. Loud. Nonstop. These weren't choral renditions, either; they were R&B stylings by the likes of phantasia and kelly clarkson. Concentrating on anything was near-impossible, so I went to the men's bathroom for a moment of quiet sanctuary. But a grown man was standing next to me at the urinal, passive-aggressively singing along with "jingle bell rock". New York was no better - JFK airport was playing the same fascist music. What is happening? Can't people be left with their own thoughts or goals in public spaces anymore? Are we living in a theocracy now? I was reminded of this when John Carpenter's "They Live" was on cable a couple nights ago (a risible, but appropriate, film for the holiday season) and also by today's interview with Chris Hitchens on the onion's website: "After Halloween, more or less, you can't go into a shop, or across a railway-station concourse, or even an airport, without this crap. And I'm serious: To me, it does feel like living in a one-party state." He's sort-of an asshole, but more than once his articles and insights have convinced me that I'm not losing my mind; that people deserve their personal freedom from religious oppression. Read the rest here. And look at his slate article on the origins of hanukkah. UPDATE! I don't mean to step on your toes, Stexe, but Eno's take on the subject would fit in nicely here. -Lance

Accidental Symbolism? Or A Message From The Lord?

This is the crossing signal at the corner of Manhattan and Nassasu in oily ol' Greenpoint, Brooklyn. It is just about the most appropriate sign one could ever hope to grace that specific corner as it is the "Cannery Row" of my neighborhood. At all hours, the hardcore drunken Polish men loiter there, stewing in a soup of cheap booze, cigarettes, urine, vomit, and garbage. For them, walking truly is a challenging proposition, especially for the grizzled legless guy in the wheelchair I pass every day on my way to the subway. I have a nickname for him in my mind: "Popeye Stumps."

December 19, 2007

Stexe's First Theremin

Stexe is far too humble to post his own video, so I have done so for him. More info and a video with better quality sound may be found here.

December 18, 2007

The Wilhelm Scream

This isn't a gag - these are the actual soundtracks to the films. Seemingly a favorite among sound editors, the wilhelm scream has been with us since the 50's and was used in all six of the star wars atrocities, along with hundreds of other movies and tv shows. I learned about it just now, while reading the "trivia" section on the page for "howard the duck". See the whole list on wikipedia.

PIZZA TEEN! Readers Poll Results

QUESTION: Your party cautiously descends into the reeking darkness of Cheney's subterranean lair. What is your marching order?

  • Fighter, magic-user, thief, cleric 16%
  • Thief, fighter, magic-user, cleric 33%
  • Cleric, fighter, magic-user, thief 50%
Be sure to vote in the current poll!

Santa Joins The Israeli-Palestinian Conflict By Fighting In The Intifada

"Zuruck in die atmossphaere"

By Der Plan, Germany's answer to The Residents. But more... german. Hear a whole podcast of their stuff here.

December 17, 2007

December 16, 2007

F'd Puppet of the Week 12/15/07

I'm speechless. All I can say is about a minute-thirty into this her mic gets all fucked up and you think "thank God, it's over," but they fix it and she finishes her "talent act."

December 12, 2007

Favorite Closing Credits

Damn I love these closing credits from Buckaroo Banzai. I love the music, I love the simplicity of it, I love how Pretty Boy's outfit changes, I love the ninja toe-shoes of which I went through at least 6 pairs from Pier 1 in the days of my youth, I love how the black kid and old black guy look like Scatman Crothers, and I hope the day comes soon when all this 70's fashion revival shit is gone and the 80's revival shit begins...

December 09, 2007

F'd Puppet of the Week 12/9/07

This is some classic hard-fucking-core educational film fun. One of my favorite parts of this hits at around 6:30 when they start talking about different dairy products. The asshole milkman doesn't even have his hand near the puppet. He has totally given up the pretense of being the one working it, and of course no one notices.

December 08, 2007

PIZZA TEEN! Readers Poll Results

QUESTION: The ubiquitous quality I find most obnoxious in anthropomorphic animals/babies shown in modern movies and cartoons is...

  • the sunglasses. 0%
  • the hip-hop attitude. 57%
  • the line "Now that's what I'm talking about!" 42%
  • the plain old "fucked-up-ness" of it all. 0%
Be sure to vote in the current poll!

December 07, 2007

Young Idiots Enjoying The Rock 'N' Roll Music

Videos courtesy of D. Bratton over at

December 06, 2007

The Case Against Humanity: Alvin And The Chipmunks

An anonymous contributor writes: I've been tormented by Alvin and the Chipmunks for about two weeks now, ever since a movie poster covered the side of an entire building on the sunset strip. It's been assaulting me every morning on my way to work. Worse than the "Click" billboard, even worse than the "Nacho Libre" billboard. Seeing Alvin with a gangster hoodie pulled down over his eyes spreads Christmas cheer like nothing else; he seems to be saying, "I want a hula hoop, mothafucka!" But this sends an already criminal act into truly terrifying, pathological territory: There's only one joke in this trailer, so the studio must've believed in it enough to sell the whole movie: Alvin literally eats shit. John Waters did it first with "Pink Flamingos" over 30 years ago, and now coprophagia is family entertainment. HERE HERE! I agree wholeheartedly. That's why I created that poll.

December 05, 2007

Video Game Concept For The Taking: Andy Kaufman Wrestling!

The time has come for someone to create a video game based on Andy Kaufman's brief career as a wrestler. The object would be different from other wrestling games: you succeed by pissing off the crowd, and actual physical contact with an opponent almost always results in failure...unless your opponent is a woman. And, of course, wrestling gigantic, meaty hillbilly women would be the core of the game. Play as Kaufman or, if you are so inclined, select another prominent comedian from the late 70s/early 80s, each with his own unique style-- Steven Wright, Richard Pryor, George Carlin, Rodney Dangerfield, etc. Score enough points and you may unlock the secret bonus level where you wrestle an impoverished, cranky fat woman in a wheelchair who squirts chewing tobacco drool when you jump upon her chest.

The Ghostface Killah Doll

For only $499, this could be the perfect christmas gift for that special someone in your life. With jewelry made of 14k gold and a digital player that recites actual lines from the man himself (the four honest-to-god recordings are, "I put in em shot up in em deadly venom", "ghostface ghostface", "remember when I long dicked you and broke your ovary" and "yo bitch I fucked your friend ya stank ho") along with the all-important certificate of authenticity, enclosed in a cardboard box "that has remnants of fine Louis XIII cognac". Buy It Now! Brought to attention by the's gift guide.

December 04, 2007

Russ Meyer: Brilliant Auteur or Flesh-Peddling Degenerate?

From "the incredibly strange film show", a late 80's british tv series featuring american directors like john waters, herschell gordon lewis, george romero and ed wood, and even some lesser-known cult directors like doris wishman, ted v. mikels and ray dennis steckler. I taped and saved all the episodes when they were broadcast stateside on a cable network a couple years later, but this russ meyer episode never aired in america due to copyright issues. I just saw it for the first time. It's a well-made retrospective of a diverse and talented filmmaker. If you haven't seen "mudhoney", "faster pussycat" or "beyond the valley of the dolls" since college, give them another spin. part 2 part 3 part 4

A PIZZA TEEN! WTF?! Photo Of The Day

I was required to stare at this hovering, lecherous image while using the University Diner's men's room at 12th street and University Place...

December 03, 2007

A PIZZA TEEN! WTF?! Photo Of The Day

Zoomed past me, heading west on 42nd street near 7th avenue...

December 01, 2007

F'd Puppet of the Week 12/2/07

So the bitch is trying to take half his money. She went and fuckin' filed papers on the man and didn't even tell him first. I've watched "Hogan Knows Best" and if that bimbo thinks she can walk off with half of the Hulksters stuff she's got another thing coming. The gloves are coming off bitch!