September 30, 2007

The Case Against Humanity: Industrial Mechanical Poultry Farming

Phase 1 Phase 2 Phase 3 By the way, I don't buy the idea that eating free range chickens is a solution to the fucked-up-ness of factory farms. It's a step, I suppose, but you still don't know your meat, so to speak. The dirty work still occurs out of sight. Yeah, they've done away with the overt mechanical cruelty and provided the hen with a laid back life & comparatively decent food, but her destiny remains the same.

F'd Puppet of the Week 9/29/07

I always knew veteran stage and screen entertainer Joel Grey was flexible but not this flexible. He is apparently in training to revise his role as the Asian sage in the 1980's classic "Remo Williams". Keep your hands up... Umberto St. John

September 29, 2007

Get Your Ghost-Viewer Ready

Saw this at a revival theater a few years back. William Castle explains the technical workings of "Illusion-O" (red and blue cellophane) in the pre-credit opening to "13 Ghosts". It's a very boring movie, and obviously you can still see the ghosts without the viewer, but gimmicks like this are what's needed to get more people into the cinema. And bring back "Odorama!"

An Audio Archive Saturday w/ Kitchens of Distinction

I went back to the old stacks a couple of weeks ago, and I've been listening to the two Kitchens of Distinction albums Strange Free World (1990) and The Death of Cool (1992) exclusively and non-stop ever since. I recall having a take-it-or-leave-it attitude toward them back when they were new (and maybe that is how you still react to them), but they seem to have clicked with me now. A big tip of the hat to the mysterious individual now known as "Hot Funk" who gave them to me or sold them to me or swapped them for a "fetus burrito" at Buenas Nachos in Frankfort, Illinois. Yes, Mr. Funk, they are still in the transparent CD cases you slipped them into when you were working at CD Exchange.

September 28, 2007

Chess For Girls

Very rarely, when the stars are aligned ever so precisely and the moon glows with a certain eerie phosphorescence, an itty-bitty glimmering nugget of gold can be seen encrusted in the dry, lumpy turd which is SNL...

September 27, 2007

A Short List Of Worthwhile Famous Humans Who Committed Suicide

Let's get your day off to a winning start, shall we? Here is a short list of famous people I enjoyed who voluntarily took the long nap, ripped off from this page on Wikipedia. I'm sure you'll find people on that list you'll say I should have included, but oh well. I probably didn't really enjoy them (Sid Vicious and Kurt Cobain, for example). You may also think that I am posting this list as an ironic gag. That is not my intention. Suspected suicides of worthwhile famous individuals (Marilyn Monroe, for example) were not considered. Diane Arbus barbiturate overdose & slashed wrists Scotty Beckett (shown above) sleeping pills overdose George Eastman gunshot to chest Sigmund Freud lethal dose of morphine Arshile Gorky hanging Spalding Gray drowning Ernest Hemingway shotgun blast to the head Jack London (major bummer) overdose of morphine & atropine Sylvia Plath gassed in kitchen oven Mark Rothko anti-depressant overdose & slashed arms Del Shannon rifle blast to the head Alan Turing ate an apple laced with cyanide Vincent van Gogh gunshot to chest Hervé Villechaize gunshot That's right, Hervé Villechaize made the list, but Ian Curtis didn't. Sue me.

September 26, 2007


from Batman #166 "A Rendezvous with Robbery!" (scanned from Showcase Presents: Batman Volume 1)

Robot of The Week: Roll-Oh

This "chromium-plated butler" does all the chores of the american housewife, therefore making her existence completely meaningless.

The Art Of Film Editing: A Masterful Demonstration

A gentleman named Tom Walls was paid to edit this sequence. It was his responsibility to determine the best possible moment for the hairy ass to enter the sunroof. Well done, Mr. Walls.

September 25, 2007

PIZZA TEEN! Readers Poll Results

QUESTION: What's your preferred method for maintaining relationships?

  • Emoticon-laden text message/instant message 0%
  • Email containing link to wacky video 62%
  • Hasty voicemail recording 0%
  • Myspace/facebook/friendster/blog post 0%
  • Think about calling, watch Seinfeld instead 37%
Be sure to vote in the current poll!

Absurd Juxtaposition #0012 - .GIF Edition!

September 24, 2007

A Word from Our Sponsor

Bad: Worse: Acid Thrown in Face: UPDATED! (Lance added) Bewildering:

Absurd Juxtaposition #0011

September 23, 2007

F'd Puppet of the Week 9/23/07

Keep your hands up... Umberto St. John

Another Week, Another Ridiculous KISS Post

See, the problem with the white makeup is that no matter how many times you brush, the contrast is going to make your teeth look like they're caked with thick, wormy plaque (see the close-ups on Paul's face 2/3 of the way through the video). The song and the look of the video screams "sell-out," but really, it was only the first of many times we would see Paul & Gene's unabashed willingness to cash in on a trend. Having said that, I do kind of dig the tune-- I'm sure I roller skated to it many times during my childhood and just assumed it was another E.L.O. song. It's certainly better than the "Hot In The Shade" era of the late 80s when they all looked and sounded like Ann Wilson. Either her or the semi-retarded "barbarian brothers."

September 22, 2007

Lights Out : "Oxychloride X"

Ray Stewart is a brainy college kid who sounds exactly like Dave Foley. He's dreamed of joining a fraternity. Unfortunately, asshole extraordinaire Bob Jackson is the fucker who decides who gets in, and as far as he's concerned, "crackpot" Stewart's name isn't on the list. Stewart flips out and cooks up a miracle to show them all a thing or two. This story was originally broadcast February 16, 1943.

September 21, 2007

The Dallas Rapture

I just wanted to post this classic painting of the rapture unfolding in Dallas. I know you've seen it elsewhere, but what the hell. Click the image for a detailed view of the carnage. You have to ask yourself how many of those fatal traffic accidents could have been avoided if Jesus had chosen to make a less dramatic appearance. All part of the big cosmic plan, I guess. The only person in the image with any sense appears to be the dude on the motorcycle-- kind of hard to see at this resolution, but he's on the far left of the scene. A tip of the hat to Umberto St. John for sending the image as a postcard many years ago.

At Home With Professional Wrestler Dr. D

We laugh (BOY, do we laugh!), but you know as well as I that in hundreds of thousands of American homes, right this very moment, this exact scenario is unfolding without a camera present to keep the resident Ape-Man from bashing his can of Bud into the eye socket of his exhausted woman while the kids look on in terror. You could perceive this as a reenactment of the events which led to the violent climax described in a police report. Who says wrestling is fake? I felt the video needed a subtle, introspective soundtrack, so... hit PLAY when you see the cow.

September 20, 2007


from Justice Society of America Volume 3 #8

Robot of The Week: Elektro

Elektro was built for the 1939 world's fair by the westinghouse corporation. He could walk, move his head and arms, respond to voice commands, recognize red and green light, and talked via an internal 78 rpm record player: "I-am-Elektro.... my-brain-is-big-ger-than-yours". He could also blow up a balloon or smoke a cigarette. Poor Elektro... his fame was short-lived. After the fair, he had a cameo in "sex kittens go to college", was on display at an amusement park, then sold for scrap metal. But his head was saved, and the rest of him is currently being reconstructed. See a diagram of his inner workings here

Fellow Blogger:

"Pictures of hot chicks with total and complete douchebags. With commentary." Not to toot my own horn, but I feel like I adequately covered this injustice here and here a long time ago. And let us not forget the wisdom contained within the elegant Ladder Theory. Still, the blog's author performs excellently at the unenviable job of wading through the hip-deep bog of douchebaggery to exploit these troglodytes and put an entertaining spin on a phenomenon which would absolutely cause me to put a pistol in my mouth and pull the trigger if I allowed myself to think about it very long. >> << P.S. The author's visit to the Better Off Dead house is highly recommended.

September 19, 2007

"I Blow Up"

Mark Borchardt, the subject of the so-good-I-can't-find-the-words documentary American Movie, created this little 8mm gem in 1982. I Blow Up is shown briefly in that documentary, but here it is in its entirety. Enjoy.

September 18, 2007

Here's Why Socialized Healthcare Won't Work in America

"Hello, Domino's? I'd like a small (12") Meat Feast Pizza (88 grams fat). And you say I can get an Oreo Dessert Pizza (32 grams fat, 64 grams sugar) for only $3.99? Sign me up!" Get the door, you corpulent bonehead. It's the Reaper.

Let's Paint, Exercise, and Blend Drinks

From a public-access show in Los Angeles, the fearless and winded John Kilduff paints, exercises, blends drinks, and takes your calls all at the same time. Go to his website for more youtube links to his show. Each has a different theme, like "let's paint, exercise, and build a sushi gingerbread house". He does all of these things very badly, and the viewers who call in only do so to give shout-outs for their gangs or to give him a hard time, but I admire the guy. He continuously tries to inspire people to "do something crazy with your life".

PIZZA TEEN! Readers Poll Results

QUESTION: From your experience, what's the best place to meet girls?

  • Wal-Mart 0%
  • The Krispy Kreme Drive-Thru 0%
  • Alcoholics Anonymous 40%
  • Traffic Court 60%
Be sure to vote in the current poll!

Marilyn Manson On Violence

From Disinfo.con 2000. This 2-part video predates the interview seen in Bowling For Columbine. It reminds me of those Jello Biafra spoken word albums ("...He yelled, 'Hey, Faggot!' and showered me with water..."), though, more likable because Manson doesn't come across as being in love with the sound of his own voice the way Biafra did.

September 17, 2007

A Very Important Family Special: Part II

Really, what IS this, anyway? Was NBC legally obligated to create and broadcast it? Even when I saw it as a kid, I recognized that the laughter was wildly inappropriate, serving only to bring awkward levity to a scene which should be darkly sober.

A Very Important Family Special

Mickey McGuire's Gang: Endangering Children For Your Amusement

Let me make an inappropriate analogy: if The Little Rascals were mainstream porn (higher quality, memorable personalities), Mickey McGuire's Gang was like gonzo fetish porn (lower quality, less memorable characters, anything goes). It's as if the Mickey McGuire shorts were conceived as exercises in how to endanger children and animals. The videos aren't embeddable, so you'll have to click the links below. TOTALLY worth it. If you don't have a ton of time, skip straight to part 2 for the nightmarish baby with a hammer.

September 16, 2007

F'd Puppet of the Week 9/16/07

I thought this was a puppet of Davy Jones, it is, but it's life size. You can put your finders in his little legs and make him dance. Isn't that cute?
Keep your hands up...
Umberto. St. John

Suspense "The House In Cypress Canyon"

One of my favorite episodes of the long-running radio show Suspense, "The House In Cypress Canyon" does two things very well: first, it does a good job of setting up several weird scenarios, and second, it doesn't attempt to explain squat. As corny as it may sound if you listen to it at work under fluorescent lighting, the episode still has an element of genuine dread which manifests when it's played loudly in the dark of night. The story was first broadcast December 5, 1945.

September 15, 2007

Presenting BishopB

Ladies and gentlemen, in the downward-spiraling tradition of Reh Dogg and Laz-D, I shamefully present for your entertainment and approval BishopB and his lyrical epic "FroggyDoggyStyle," performed over what sounds like a low-grade rendition of "Electric Cafe" >>CLICK HERE TO LISTEN<<

September 14, 2007

"I Look More Like A Monkey Than He Do!"

EXTRA-WHACKED VIDEO ALERT!!! Ready for the most wonderfully fucked-up thing you've seen in a long, long time? How about this: Billy Barty fighting a black boy for the right to perform as an organ grinder's monkey. And guess who's playing the organ grinder? Mickey fuckin' Rooney! It's totally worth having to sit through the ads just to see the "monkey." They've managed to condense the plots of about a dozen Little Rascals stories into this one ulta-awesome short at the cost of narrative continuity. Not to be missed.

September 13, 2007

Appropriate Juxtaposition

Play them simultaneously.

Absurd Juxtaposition #0010 - VIDEO!

Play them simultaneously.

September 12, 2007


Remember, these are just panels that I like. I have no subversive reason for posting them.
From Wonder Woman Volume 3 #1

Absurd juxtaposition #0009

September 11, 2007


All you need to know about eugenics is covered in the opening to "Idiocracy", an uneven film with some great moments. It displays strong signs of having being apprehended and re-edited in post-production without the filmmaker's participation (writer/director Mike Judge swears he'll never make another studio film), and after sitting on a shelf for over a year, it was released on a single screen here in Los Angeles last summer (and it only played at 11:00 a.m., so the studio must've been fulfilling a contract obligation while hoping no one would see it). A director's cut might surface someday, but it's still worth seeing in the current flawed state for its prescient vision of a future 500 years from now, where Fox News continues its current status as the #1 news network, corporate interests run everything up to the white house, and the most popular tv show is entitled "Ow! My Balls!"

PIZZA TEEN! Readers Poll Results

QUESTION: It's the 21st century. Why are you still smoking?

  • Trying to acquire enough proof-of-purchase seals for the NASCAR windbreaker. 0%
  • As a professional Kim Carnes impersonator, I need to maintain a certain level of raspiness. 50%
  • To balance out the time spent at the gym. 16%
  • Sheathing my body in nicotine helps to repel the mosquitoes. 33%
It's unclear how it happened that those numbers add up to only 99%, but that's what the data says. Be sure to vote in the current poll!

What Horrors Lurk Within 339 W. 44th?

Christ almighty, this place gives me the creeps! I've walked past it dozens of times. Is it a store? Is it a residence? In the span of 3 years, I've never seen the gate drawn back. I've never seen a light or another human being within. The window dressing accumulates more and more filth. Given the location, the real estate is worth a mint (w. 44th near 8th avenue, set among theaters). It's like the setting of a Lovecraft story: having pieced together the arcane clues, the investigator tracks the cabal of cannibal cultists to this location where, in a hidden chamber, unspeakable acts are performed in worship of the crawling chaos, Nyarlathotep. Let's risk a closer inspection. Is that Giuliani in the upper left? And what's with the skull? Everything is wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong. Wait! Look at Harpo's eyes! JESUS CHRIST! Harpo has REAL human eyes! And they're aglow with the power of evil! AHYEEEEEEEEEE! THIS FOE IS BEYOND US! RUN!!!

September 10, 2007

Terry Gross vs. The Demon

My first and last KISS-related post, I promise... Terry Gross shows remarkable restraint and professionalism when tolerating Gene Simmons' odious personality, a combination of offensive and boring (although she calls the interview "a drag", only halfway through). She did invite him onto her show after all, and to his credit, the fact that Simmons didn't allow NPR to post the interview on their website hints that he was capable of shame. UPDATE! Sorry to shoulder my way into your post, Stexe, but even though she handles Gene well, I feel it necessary to send Andrew Dice Clay to Terry's aid. -Lance

The HOTTEST Thing In Video Games

What's the hottest thing in video games? Did you guess the Nintendo Wii? WRONG, smartass! The hottest thing in video games by a LONG shot is (as every person under 15-years old knows) these Todd Rogers boxer shorts. Yes, you heard right, THAT Todd Rogers-- world record holder on hundreds of games, including arcade Gorf (!!!) and Atari 2600 Drag racer. Buy a pair for your parole officer from the Twin Galaxies gift shop.

September 09, 2007

F'd Puppet of the Week 9/9/07

You know that's just plain dangerous, a paper bag smoking. He could get cancer.
Keep your hands up...
Umberto St. John


Four middle-aged wholesale jewelry salesmen have survived the nuclear winter, holed up in the stripmall's cellar, sustaining themselves on Funyuns and recycled urine. They emerge from their filthy lair and scavenge women's clothing from "Maury Goldstein's Warehouse For Douchbags." As we join them, they approach the flaming carcass of the city. It is here, in this blackened, multi-racial haven for poodle-haired strippers, that they hope to glut themselves on pussy, dairy products, and rock 'n' roll... The moment at :56 has been immortalized here.

September 08, 2007

The Sculptures Of Gregory Barsamian

Umberto St. John writes,... "I stumbled upon this guy, who you probably already know about. He uses sequential sculptures and strobe lights to create a moving, stop-motion effect." Actually, I wasn't familiar with his stuff. His name is Gregory Barsamian, and his sculptures are effectively large, three-dimensional zoetropes which use a strobe light to trick your eyes into not seeing the construction as a spinning object. Click here or the photo above to get the full deal at his site. Here are two examples:

September 07, 2007

Tobor: Chicanery Spelled Backwards

My first taste of true heartbreaking disappointment in this cold world arrived Christmas Eve, 1978, in the form of a product called "Tobor, the tele-sonic robot." I'd seen the commercial, so I was certain that all my woes would come to an abrupt end if I could only acquire this robot. The Mike Oldfield "Tubular Bells"-like soundtrack proved that Tobor was without a doubt a serious technological achievement to be reckoned with. I imagined that it would follow me to school, carry my books, crush my enemies, and foster a cult of adoration from the true believers. Say no more, sober narrator guy! I'm sold! And just look how happy that red-headed hillbilly idiot-boy is! So, I penciled in "Tobor" on the top of my Christmas list, and Santa came through a month later like I knew he would. Within 5 minutes of opening the box, I'd snapped the remote control's plastic antenna in half. Fuck! I flipped out, hoping superglue would fix it, because without the ability to control the robot, really, what's the point? And then I discovered that by simply clapping my hands, I could control the robot just as well as I could with the remote control. What a piece of crap! I'd effectively squandered the top slot of my Christmas list on a rolling Clapper. Fuck you, Tobor!

September 06, 2007

Earl Weaver: The Mickey Rooney Of Baseball

I'm not a fan of televised sports, but I am a fan of televised absurdity.

September 05, 2007


My Dragon*Con Weekend

One of the great things about living in Georgia is that I now have the opportunity to attend Dragon*Con. The convention was Labor Day Weekend and I attended Saturday and Sunday. The event was phenomenal as there were, literally, thousands of people spread over three fantastically large big-city hotels. The rumors I had heard was that attendance was 70K+ so that means when you peel away the bullshit, there was probably only about 30K. It was a lot of fun to hang out and recharge my geek batteries, so to speak, as all my geek friends have been scattered to the wind (you all know who you are!). There were lots of dealers selling all sorts of paraphernalia, tons of RPGing, LARPing, CGCing, and computer gaming going on. The celebrity selection was a little weak. C'mon, David "Bud Bundy" Faustino was there.....I did lay eyes on a pudgy, brown Eric Estrada, though. Anyhow, I'll definitely be going next year. Here's some photos:

Check out the flapjacks on this Star Wars fan!
Great looking Golden Age Sandman costume and a nice Zatanna in the background!
Some nice DC heroes & villains.
I thought Gandalf looked good.
Some Marvel madness!
A random shot of one of the hotel lobbies. I like the Conan guy in the middle of the photo!
Two hot Wonder Womans and a Donna Troy!
There was so much cosplay (costume roleplay) that I couldn't photograph it all.... I used to think it was a strange hobby, but after seeing these people having so much fun with it, I have changed my mind.
These were impressive! There's a club that builds droid replicas. These friggin' things were spot-on perfect. They lit up, made noise and everything!
They also made a DALEK! Well, I hope everyone enjoyed my report.

TSR, Inc.: Products for Your Imagination


From Secret Origins #17 starring Adam Strange and Dr. Occult.

Jack Chick: Saving Your Soul, Making Fear & Bigotry Fun Again!

Whenever I'm approached by someone trying to sell me on the gospel, I secretly hope they will at least give me a Jack Chick comic in exchange for my time. This tract entitled "Bewitched ?" is particularly warped & ruthless. I love the demon's PowerPoint presentation highlighting Ashley's character flaws. All I can think of is that despite the Devil's all-powerful evilness, even he has to deal with the mundane task of maintaining an office supply stockroom. I kind of dig how the panels below conspire to create a random tale of deceit, fear-mongering, twisted logic and bigotry. Clicking an image takes you to the full comic on Jack's site.

She Wants A Ride On Ace Frehley's 'Rocket'

Yesterday's post of Ace Frehley's guitar solo brought this track to mind. I'm sure there are more thinly veiled metaphors for screwing somewhere in the archives of rock 'n' roll, but I challenge all of you to present a more dynamically stupid presentation of that metaphor.

September 04, 2007

Tanz mit Heino!

Inspired by lance's "absurd juxtaposition" posts, of course. Kindly turn the volume all the way down on the second video before beginning.

Four Times The Fun: Ace Frehley Guitar Solo!

Hit the "play" buttons in sequence. If you can get the rhythm just right, it's very, very satisfying. The videos may need to buffer first for maximum enjoyment.

September 03, 2007

New ROBOTRON 2084 High Score (on MAME 32):

827,475! F--K YEAH!

Absurd Juxtaposition #0008