May 31, 2008

Ladies And Gentlemen, I Present ODX

Singer/songwriter/actor Paul Williams (as the blue creature ODX) performs a memorable scene from Shakespeare's "Macbeth" with the incorrigible Liam Gallagher. From the Buck Rogers episode "Journey to Oasis, Part 2" on

May 30, 2008

Ladies And Gentlemen, I Present Miles Davis

From the Miami Vice episode "Junk Love" on

May 29, 2008

The Foulest Thing Ever Filmed For Mass Viewing?

I'm talking about what occurs at 1:50. Here's something you don't want to think about: they probably had to do multiple takes to get it just right. I sure hope they include that moment in the inevitable Lifetime Achievement Award montage for Tom Hanks.

Ladies And Gentlemen, I Present Burt Young

From the Miami Vice episode "Give a Little, Take a Little" on

May 28, 2008

Ladies And Gentlemen, I Present Nathan Lane

From the Miami Vice episode "Buddies" on

9 Unpopular-But-Worthwhile Depeche Mode Favorites

(Excellent gypsy attire, Dave!) BONUS! The folks over at have created the very important Depeche Mode name generator. Enter your name, your pet's name, your parole officer's name, etc., hit "go," and PRESTO! Instant confusing mirth! Here are some examples:

  • Karl Marx = Dangerous Angel
  • Robin Gibb = Darkest Night
  • Connie Chung = Sweetest Surrender
  • Pastor John Hagee = Happiest Angel
  • DeForest Kelley = Wanted Angel
  • Harper Lee = New Soul
  • Louis Pasteur = Desired Halo
  • Jar Jar Binks = Sweetest Martyr
  • Sir Georg Solti = My Love
  • David Lee Roth = Dangerous Lie
  • Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal = Blue Dream
Click HERE to play!

May 27, 2008

PIZZA TEEN! Readers Poll Results

QUESTION: Which of these hillbilly hotties deserves to be immortalized as a commemorative blend of Starbucks coffee?

  • Mayella Ewell from 'To Kill A Mockingbird' 37%
  • The 'Deliverance' kid 50%
  • Granny Clampett 12%
  • Gabby Hayes 0%
Be sure to vote in the current poll!

Ladies And Gentlemen, I Present Ted Nugent

From the Miami Vice episode "Definitely Miami" on

May 26, 2008

Ladies And Gentlemen, I Present Edward James Olmos

From the Miami Vice episode "Golden Triangle, Part 2" on

The Stanton-Walsh Rule

I don't own many DVDs, but I noticed that a disproportionate number of them nonetheless feature Harry Dean Stanton or M. Emmet Walsh in a supporting role. For example, the other day, I bought The Jerk and Fletch on DVD, and they BOTH feature M. Emmet Walsh. Check your collection and you'll likely discover the same thing. So why is this? As it turns out, we have been unconsciously following "The Stanton-Walsh Rule." From Wikipedia: "According to Roger Ebert's 'Stanton-Walsh Rule' - 'no movie featuring either Harry Dean Stanton or M. Emmet Walsh in a supporting role can be altogether bad'. Ebert later conceded that this rule was broken by 1999's Wild Wild West."

F'd Puppet of the Week 5/26/08

Yes, the man who created Davey and Goliath is now finding out first-hand if God really loves him. In his memory I present the most inexplicable episode - "The Time Machine". It is after all more plausible that a little boy, his sister and his talking dog would travel through time then some crappy kids show bringing about Christian peace and harmony.

May 21, 2008

May 20, 2008

Tips for Aspiring Songwriters

In the 90's, a couple of Russian conceptual artists hired a market research firm to find out what sort of music people find annoying. After a poll of 500 people, here's what they came up with: "The most unwanted music is over 25 minutes long, veers wildly between loud and quiet sections, between fast and slow tempos, and features timbres of extremely high and low pitch, with each dichotomy presented in abrupt transition. The most unwanted orchestra was determined to be large, and features the accordion and bagpipe (which tie at 13% as the most unwanted instrument), banjo, flute, tuba, harp, organ, synthesizer. An operatic soprano raps and sings atonal music, advertising jingles, political slogans, and "elevator" music, and a children's choir sings jingles and holiday songs. The most unwanted subjects for lyrics are cowboys and holidays, and the most unwanted listening circumstances are involuntary exposure to commercials and elevator music. Fewer than 200 individuals of the world's total population would enjoy this piece." (click to listen) The Most Unwanted Music Not bad. Reminds me of early Residents, maybe even a little like Os Mutantes. It's entertaining, charming, filled with unexpected twists and turns, and has some nice instrumentation. It's also funny. I had to laugh out loud when it got to the children shouting in unison, "Do All Your Shopping! At Wal-Mart!" It's music, I suppose, but it's also something more. It's intriguing and provocative. In a word, it's art. And now, the same folks have used that same poll to produce the most wanted piece of music: “The most favored ensemble, determined from a rating by participants of their favorite instruments in combination, comprises a moderately sized group (three to ten instruments) consisting of guitar, piano, saxophone, bass, drums, violin, cello, synthesizer, with low male and female vocals singing in rock/r&b style. The favorite lyrics narrate a love story, and the favorite listening circumstance is at home. The only feature in lyric subjects that occurs in both most wanted and unwanted categories is “intellectual stimulation.' Most participants desire music of moderate duration (approximately 5 minutes), moderate pitch range, moderate tempo, and moderate to loud volume…” (click to listen) The Most Wanted Music Just trying to be helpful, for those of you who want to make it in the record industry.

May 18, 2008

F'd Puppet of the Week 5/18/08

Were I physically capable of getting a woody, I'd have one for this. A lovely combination of puppets, zombies, gore and the wild west.

May 12, 2008

F'd Puppet of the Week 5/11/08

I actually enjoy this one. It is done in the style of an old Burns and Allen episode, complete with corny jokes. But the direct approach actually makes it funny. Enjoy!

May 08, 2008

"People, Let Me Get This Off My Chest"

It's finally back! The bootleg album I mentioned months ago on this blog, the one comprised entirely of Paul Stanley's subhuman banter between songs during KISS shows, is being hosted by the good folks at Egg City Radio. Download it for free here.

May 05, 2008

F'd Puppet of the Week 5/5/08

I'm sure that SNL stole the idea for Tonto, Tarzan & Frankenstein from this Muppet classic. It's just so darn silly and is done as if the characters were dead serious about it, it always cracks me up.

May 01, 2008

MIDI Madness!

I recently received the following email: "You know those sites or Ebay listings where you are suddenly blasted with ambient music meant to enhance the experience? Usually in the same way someone will print a letter on paper with little kittens on top of it? Anyway, I think you should add that to your site. No warning, no explanation, just randomly for a day, hour, week, put some song on there that people are forced to listen to - no off button. And never explain or respond to input about it. My first suggestion is the 80's song Breaka My Stride..." Good suggestion, anonymous friend! Matthew Wilder's hit "Break My Stride" would make a catchy and incredibly annoying addition to PIZZA TEEN!, but there are so many equally worthy candidates which deserve consideration. I quickly sorted through a couple of free MIDI sites, searching for the corniest interpretations, and compiled this lot. What do you think? I really like the ones which substitute an awkward electronic horn or flute for vocals (EX: "Babe"). (click a link to listen)

On a related note, my friend Jennifer Sullivan has been known to sing over MIDI files she's found online, reworking them with a bit of reverb. Click on the image of Jennifer in her skimpy outfit below to hear the results for yourself on her MySpace music page. I recommend her cover of "Against All Odds," the last track on the playlist.