July 30, 2008

The Golden Age Of 4AD

Before the internet, buying records was often a gamble. You typically bought an album based upon 1 or 2 singles you'd heard, and it seemed like half the time you got boned in the process. A good album was one which had 3 or 4 tracks on it which you really liked. Well, when it came to the record label 4AD during the span of time which the tracks above represent (roughly 1986 to 2000), the number of excellent tracks per album was consistently higher than most. I soon got to the point where I would buy just about any album they manufactured without having heard a single note. While the rest of the kids were worshiping disheveled boys from Seattle and Chicago, I was playing the holy crap out of that live Michael Brook album (see the track "Red Shift" above). I hated grunge (still do) and I remain bitter that it distracted attention away from bands like Pale Saints. Don't even talk to me about Nirvana and Pearl Jam...although even I have to admit that they seem charming compared with the stuff which has usurped them. I'm aware that there are some glaring omissions from the set list (The Pixies, The Birthday Party, and Bauhaus, for example). You're welcome to complain about it in the comments. Related: The Concise Guide To The Cocteau Twins.

July 29, 2008

Robot Wrecks (1941)

Here's a rare thing: A war-era "Our Gang" short which doesn't completely suck ass!

It still suffers from a groan-inducing heavy-handed moral lesson...unlike the cool, politically-incorrect shorts from the 30s which actually encouraged kids to behave like kids rather than small professionals. But they did three things right here: (1) "Volto" is menacing enough to pass for an early product of Cyberdyne Systems, (2) the little creep who slips inside the Radar O’Reilly "row boat" makes for a convincing bastard with his delivery of the line "then I give 'em the woiks!" and (3) mom's voice. Consider naming your future children "Boxcar" and "Slicker."

State Of The Music Industry: Part 2

One of the following performers is a multi-millionare who is celebrated by serious critics and adoring fans alike. The other has Down syndrome, lives in a group home, and has become a frequent topic for cruel humor in online forums. Here are the questions I'd like you to grapple with for your PIZZA TEEN! term paper: Is one product dramatically superior to the other? How so?

UPDATE! If you are having trouble viewing the second video, try here instead.

Lovesick 13-Year-Old Suburban Intellectuals: An 80s Mix

July 28, 2008

PIZZA TEEN! Readers Poll Results

QUESTION: Which of the above album covers evokes the most sympathy for Andrea Bocelli's blindness?

  • A: The Best of Andrea Bocelli: Vivere 33%
  • B: Amore 33%
  • C: Cieli di Toscana 33%
  • D: Romanza 0%
Be sure to vote in the current poll!

July 21, 2008

July 15, 2008

Ozone's Face Slowed Down

If Matthew Barney had made this, it would have been hailed as "important."

July 13, 2008

F'd Puppet of the Week 7/13/08

Now I know what became of my old friend from high school - Todd Agusto. His Elvis-likeness was famed in and out of the halls of Lincoln-Way. I lost track of him a couple of years into college. He apparently has been shrunk by some kind of evil genius and is now performing as the dummy in a ventriloquist act in Vegas. The strange part about the whole thing is, it doesn't surprise me.

July 03, 2008

God Bless America

Happy 4th everyone

July 01, 2008

Sammy Hagar: Rocker/Special Ops Commando

(Inspired by the preceding post and brought back out of my dimmest memories by this entertaining article from yesterday's Onion.) Legend has it that Sammy got home from a screening of Rambo at his local multiplex, and started penning this song with his right hand while pleasuring himself with his left. Dropping into the White House dressed like a party clown, he's immediately shipped off to the Middle East with a suitcase full of ninja throwing stars to clean house. It's a catchy tune, but even more rewarding if you're familiar with the inspiring, patriotic lyrics. Print this out to sing along.

Nicki Rose: Electric Warrior/Autoeroticist

Nicki Rose's talent is so huge, there's no space on the literal nor psychological stage for a backing band. Physically, he's a crossbreed of Dirty Dancing's Jennifer Grey and Atreyu from The Neverending Story. That fan blasting in his face seems to be drying out his contact lenses something awful! My apologies to the gang over at Ow! My Sweet Eyes! for sniping their featured video from a couple of days ago, but it was a secret which required spreading.