August 30, 2007

F'd Puppet of the Week 8/26/07

Although this nation continues to attempt to marginalize minorities, they are still able to maintain their dignity and self-respect. Keep your hands up... Umberto St. John

Haunted Mansion on Film

Digital transfer of an 8mm reel from 1970, which sold exclusively at disneyland. But if only they had made one for the "adventure through inner space" ride...

All Hail The Mold-A-Rama!

One of the perks of growing up in Chicagoland is the high per capita of mold-a-rama machines found in the museums and zoos. I have no way of proving this, but I'm going to take a stand and say the area has the best collection of still-in-use machines in the U.S. Of those Chicago institutions, the Brookfield Zoo certainly has more of those machines than than any other. The primate house's gorilla mold-a-rama is particularly cool. I have a great story about stuffing one full of sparkler dust and setting it ablaze & damn near blinding myself. The smell of a freshly made mold-a-rama is on the same level of mouth-whetting awesomeness as the smell of Play-Doh or a big box of Crayons. The Mold-A-Rama Menagerie has a cool collection of the Chicago figures, and over at Moldaramaville, they have has a freakishly exhaustive online catalog. Here's a machine at the Field Museum in action.

August 29, 2007

Absurd Juxtaposition #0006

Clarence Carter "Making Love (At the Dark End of the Street)"

This is, quite frankly, one of the most ridiculous goddamn things I've ever heard. God bless him for recording it. And, yes, this is the same Clarence Carter who recorded "Strokin'," the only wedding reception standard about screwing, masturbation and sodomy I can think of which compels even your overbearingly religious Aunt Mary to toss aside the walker and shake her ass. A rhetorical question before we proceed: the man is blind. Isn't every end of every street the dark end in his world? And when he talks about driving a car way out into the country somewhere, I presume that he is a passenger on those occasions.

August 28, 2007

Water = Death!

Hard to believe, but this was allegedly shown on saturday morning commercial breaks in the U.K.


Welcome to the first installment of "GOSH-WOW!" My plan is to post a random comic book panel every week from whatever comic I happen to be reading at the moment.
From FANTASTIC FOUR #175 "When Giants Walk the Sky!"

Four Times The Fun: Blowing Up Mannequins!

Hit the "play" buttons in sequence. If you can get the rhythm just right, it's very, very satisfying. The videos may need to buffer first for maximum enjoyment.

August 27, 2007

Welcome to Nilbog

A fake trailer for "Troll 2", which long held the title "worst movie of all time" on Now it's a phenomenon. If you haven't seen the movie, this trailer might not be as entertaining, as it reworks an inept horror flick into an acclaimed, heartwarming family drama. This is just one of the hundreds of fan videos available online, but it's best to just rent the original movie first. Better yet, it's currently touring around the country with several of the original castmembers. Click the title above to see if it's coming to your town.

Absurd Juxtaposition #0005

August 26, 2007

Speak To A Recruiter! Win An iPod!

This should probably fall under my "Absurd Juxtaposition" headline. As part of its effort to curb a decline in enlistments, the Army is now offering potential recruits the CHANCE to win an iPod by speaking with a recruiting officer. I believe Nathan Hale was initially drawn to the Revolutionary War by a comparable offer. The ability to recharge your battery and keep on rockin' your Fall Out Boy/Shakira hotmix while in the field might prove unpredictable, however, because the last I heard, militias had taken control of Baghdad's electric grid. Click on the image above to learn more about this once-in-a-lifetime offer. And while I'm on the subject, anyone else notice how the iPod has become the proverbial carrot at the end of the stick for damn near EVERYTHING?! Test-drive a car and win an iPod! Order new carpeting and win an iPod! Convert a non-believer to Catholicism and win an iPod! Buy an iPod and win...ANOTHER iPod!

Build-It-Yourself Tampon Shooter/Self-Loathing Generator

"Inspired by marshmallow shooters, this air-powered tampon gun turns your feminine hygiene products into high-flying projectiles. Have a shootout between rival tampon brands, or use it as a fun alternative to paintball. The tampon shooter has a range of 10 to 20 feet depending on your ammo and lung capacity. The matching bandolier lets you carry a full “clip” (i.e., box) of 20 tampons, so you’ll never be caught short in the heat of battle..." Read more, get a supply list, watch a video of the final product in action, then plummet into a deep morass of self-loathing by continuing onward to

August 25, 2007

Absurd Juxtaposition #0004 - VIDEO!

Play them simultaneously.

Quasi at The Quackadero

An interview with bizarro animator Sally Cruikshank. Her cartoons were popular at midnight movie venues in the 1970s and sometimes showed up in the earliest days of cable tv. She spent several years trying to get a feature produced, and when she was no longer content with freaking out stoned college students, went on to traumatize toddlers by making shorts for sesame street. "Quasi at the Quackadero," my favorite of her films and a big reason why I was an animation major, doesn't allow embedding into other websites. So you can go straight to the youtube page by clicking on the title above.

PIZZA TEEN! Readers Poll Results

QUESTION: Which medical remedy appears most often in your erotic fantasies?

  • A prosthetic arm 42%
  • An eyepatch 28%
  • A "Rascal" scooter 28%
  • A colostomy bag 0%

Gizmoz: A Splendid Display of Technological Stupidity

I am falling prey to Gizmoz's viral marketing strategy by posting this, but so be it. The idea here is that you design and skin an avatar (a'la The Sims), choose something for it to say (or record something for it to say), select a background, and then watch the magic unfold. It's precisely the kind of thing which science fiction authors have been warning us about for decades. I created an account with them in order to bring you this crap, so for Christ's sake, you'd damn well better enjoy it!

And this one (which I DID NOT create) strikes me as the inevitable conclusion of this type of product. It's hard not to take it as an affirmation of our imminent societal collapse.
UPDATE! The second video-thing above seems to be screwed. I suspect the stupidity police have killed it. The world is now a better place.

August 24, 2007

Absurd Juxtaposition #0003 - VIDEO!

Play them simultaneously.

Two Phantasmic Movie Clips

I never would have thought the dream sequence from Hitchcock's "Spellbound" (designed by Salvador Dali) could be any spookier, yet here it is. And, on a similar note, the black sabbath scene from "Haxan" (1922). If there is a hell, you'll probably go there just for watching this. There's no soundtrack for this clip, but you can see the whole movie restored to its original version, with an orchestral score and color tinted film, on the recently released criterion dvd. UPDATE! (Lance said) "So, basically, what's needed here is a sound file which clocks in around 4:38. Here are my 3 suggestions..."

Shut Up, Little Man!

A woman named Sara Ksenia of Amarilo, Texas, has gone to the trouble of uploading a huge, stinking pile of the infamous "Shut Up, Little Man!" recordings to her VOX profile. From Wikipedia: "...Shut Up, Little Man! is the title of a number of audio-verité recordings of two violent alcoholics, Raymond Huffman and Peter Haskett. The recordings were made by "Eddie Lee Sausage" and "Mitchell D.", who lived in a bright pink apartment building—dubbed the "Pepto Bismol Palace"—in San Francisco's Lower Haight district. Eddie Lee and Mitchell moved into the apartment in 1987, and soon discovered their neighbors, Peter and Ray, who argued nearly constantly. There was also a third who is on tape, Peter's gay lover, ex army man, vagrant Tony...." I'm just going to post a link to her stash and be done with it since the idea of going to the trouble of showcasing the recordings here in some pretty way is a depressing prospect. I can't imagine that these will be available very long.

August 23, 2007

Judy Garland Speaks!...Angrily!

I go back to this every once in a while, thinking that maybe I should just buy the CD. But then it's like, why bother? How could it possibly get any better than this clip? I've listened to it so many times, but it never fails to bust me up. "...At this phase of her career Judy has just been ripped off for the television show she never wanted to do, and plagued with ex-husband Sid Luft's gambling debts and his trying to get custody of her children -- and boy, is she PISSED!..." Yeah, I'll say! Listen for yourself. Additional clips and more info may be found at

August 22, 2007

August 21, 2007

Orkish names of the 2008 Presidential Candidates

According to The Barrow-Downs Middle-Earth Name Generator, these are the Orkish names for the current field of 2008 United States Presidential Candidates.

  • Barak Obama = "Ghazdúsh the Horrible"
  • Hillary Clinton = "Skaiurk the Plunderer"
  • John Edwards = "Maudúsh the Horrible"
  • Joe Biden = "Krumkû the Smasher"
  • Christopher Dodd = "dúsh the Horrible"
  • Mike Gravel = "Gâbdúsh the Horrible"
  • Dennis Kucinich = "Snikdúsh the Horrible"
  • Bill Richardson = "Bâzzog the Blacktooth"
  • Sam Brownback = "Globdúsh the Horrible"
  • Rudy Giuliani = "Gromsnak the Hated"
  • Mike Huckabee = "Aznakh the Wicked"
  • Duncan Hunter = "rásh the Horrible"
  • John McCain = "Bôrdug the Slobberer"
  • Ron Paul = "Bâshbrúg the Horrible"
  • Mitt Romney = "Grúbdúsh the Horrible"
  • Tom Tancredo = "Bag the Mucous"

August 20, 2007

Absurd Juxtaposition #0001

A very important PIZZA TEEN! public service announcement

"Yo, kids. Hey, it's your friend Tony Danza. The boss. Listen up. Look, being a kid can stink worse than your Dad's feet. But don't be a dope. Too much of THIS... ...can lead to THIS!

August 19, 2007

F'd Puppet of the Week 8/19/07

Happy Birthday Johnny,
Sally have some fun,
Nothing like a clown to bring
joy to everyone...
Keep your hands up...
Umberto St. John

The Power Of Jesus!

Yes, you are correct. That IS the track "Football Fight" from the Flash Gordon soundtrack.

August 17, 2007


David Lynch on the notion of watching movies on your cellphone or computer: "It's the most sickening, horrifying joke"

This is destined to be a classic. On disk two of the Inland Empire DVD, during an extensive segment titled "Stories," David Lynch gives his opinion on the notion of watching movies on your lame-o cellphone or computer. I'm sure he feels the same way about that expensive iPod/iPhone of yours. (NOTE: Divshare has been buggy. Have patience with the sound. Sorry.) UPDATE! Perceptive reader Tanya R. notes... "He was on NPR yesterday (I always enjoy hearing him because he's such an affable guy, really, AND his voice is so intriguingly annoying) and railed on director's commentary tracks on DVDs, calling them the 'greatest absurdities of life.' I laughed out loud." Here's a link to the interview (Windows Media Player or Real Player only, apparently). Yes, he ends up talking about transcendental meditation a LOT again, but there's some new territory, as well.

August 15, 2007

A member of the tribe: David Shrigley

More laughs may be found at

The Case Against Humanity: Macho Man Randy Savage's Slim Jim Ads

Your Honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, consider the following evidence: EXHIBIT A: EXHIBIT B: EXHIBIT C: We now call our sole witness. Mr. Aid, please approach the stand. The prosecution rests, Your Honor.

August 13, 2007

WARNING!!! WARNING!!! SCARY URBAN MONGOLOID BOY OR TREACHEROUS HISPANIC MIDGET AHEAD!!! Kind of looks like you just caught him trying to shoplift a pint of bourbon for his old man, so just to spite you, he crapped a mean pile in his pants, doesn't it? You may see him and other painted horrors lurking behind a row of trash cans at 312 E 9th Street, NYC.

F'd Puppet of the Week 8/12/07

People think of ventriloquism as a quaint, old-fashioned form of the art of puppetry. But apparently Jerry Mahoney is not only out of his trunk, he's out of the closet! We finally have achieved equality for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgendered dummies and I for one say "Hear! Hear!" So bend over Jerry and feel no shame as an endless stream of fat, sweaty, muttering men shove their fist deep, deep inside you until your eyes flit back and forth and you cry out in a strange high-pitched voice.

Until next week,

Keep your hands up...

Umberto St. John

August 12, 2007

The Case of David Johansen: CAN we ever forgive him?

In the 1970s, the music world was desperately in need of an American frontman who looked and sounded like the bastard child of Mick Jagger and Tommy "Butch" Bond. A young fella named David Johansen stepped forward and filled that role by fronting The New York Dolls. They were never my cup of tea, but it's easy for me to see why some of the kids liked them. A decade later, Johansen resurfaced with a new alter ego: "Buster Poindexter." He proceeded to mock his former self and cut an assortment of some of the most painfully annoying party songs ever recorded, songs which would never have taken form nor reached such heights without the widespread cocaine abuse and selfishness which marked the 80s. For example... To his credit, Johansen has gone on record saying that even HE can no longer tolerate his song "Hot Hot Hot." And now, he is simply David Johansen once again and he is fronting a reincarnated New York Dolls, touring and recording new music. It's sort of like he was, say, a Nazi sympathizer, but now that the war is over, he is asking the world to look beyond his crimes against humanity. CAN you forgive him?

August 11, 2007

Topic for your Psychology 101 research paper: Reh Dogg

(WARNING! THE VIDEO CONTAINS NAUGHTY WORDS!) A commendable effort, Sir Reh Dogg. Your skills with the nunchaku are second only to your lyrical prowess.

August 10, 2007

A recollection of Elvis' horny pet chimp, "Scatter"

"...Scatter was the ideal frat-house mascot. A forty-pound, three-foot-tall chimpanzee, he had been trained by his first owner, a Memphis cartoonist who used him on his local TV show, to wear clothes, drink whiskey and raise hell with women. When Elvis first brought the beast out to Hollywood, he was enthralled with his antics. Elvis would treat him like a baby, carrying him around on his shoulders, showing him off for company and even changing his diapers. What tickled the Guys most about Scatter was the fact that he was so damn horny. Just let a girl step in the house and old Scatter would be hot on her tail. He would lift up her skirt and stick his head up toward her crotch. He would follow women to the bathroom or try to get inside while they were on the toilet. He would also chug-a-lug a few drinks at the bar and then turn around on his stool and start whacking off in some girl's face. Elvis was always thinking of fresh ways to use Scatter as a device for driving people crazy. He would have the chimp dressed up in his cute little middy suit and tennis sneakers. Then Scatter would be enthroned in the back seat of the Rolls-Royce Silver Cloud and driven about by one of the Guys wearing a chauffeur's cap. That night Elvis would scream with laughter as the chauffeur, generally Alan Fortas (who has a somewhat simian build), would recount the stories of how this motorist almost ran off the road staring at the chimp or how that old lady looked shocked or a cop on a corner did a triple take as the car went by. What really bugged Elvis was that they could never find one of those trick cars, like they have in the circus, that can be driven from the rear by a hidden operator while the ape sits up front turning the driving wheel. To roll down Hollywood Boulevard on an afternoon with Scatter at the wheel of a big costly Cad, casting looks to right and left with a driver's cap on his head and his long funky fingers wrapped around the wheel -- oh, God! Wouldn't that be heaven! Short of the ultimate thrill, however, there were lots of other tricks you could play with the chimp. One of his most celebrated exploits was the time he got loose at the Goldwyn Studio and climbed up the drainpipe to the second-floor office of the boss, Sam Goldwyn. When Scatter came swinging through the window, Goldwyn's secretary screamed in horror and fled from the room. Scatter kept on going until he was in the Big Man's private office. Before the astonished movie mogul could utter a word, the ape had leaped on his desk and was cavorting among his contracts, pub shots and pictures of his grandchildren. Fortunately, the animal was well diapered, so he couldn't do anything totally outrageous. The best fun Elvis had with Scatter was always some stunt involving sex. It was as if Elvis were using the beast as his proxy, as the perpetrator of all those crazy sex pranks he would have liked to have played but didn't dare. There was a little stripper, for example, who was a regular at the Presley parties. Elvis would entice this girl to come up to the house; then he would persuade her to get down on the floor and wrestle with Scatter. She wasn't much bigger than the chimp. If you didn't look too carefully, you would swear that the horny ape and the hot little chick were getting it on. That killed Elvis. Another time, when one of the Guys went upstairs with a young woman who was an aspiring songwriter, Elvis got Alan and Sonny to slip Scatter into the bedroom after the couple had started balling. Scatter outdid himself on this occasion, eliciting from the girl some of the loudest and most piercing screams of his entire career. Sad to say, the guy was so outraged that he picked up the beast and hurled it about ten feet down the hall. Poor Scatter! He soon suffered the fate of all Master Elvis' other toys. He lost his charm and was shipped back to Graceland, where he was installed at the back of the house in an air-conditioned cage. Neglected after all the attention he had received for years, he pined and drooped and turned vicious. Late in the Sixties, he bit a maid who was feeding him. Two days later, he was found dead in his cage...."

August 08, 2007

The Jazz Butcher Conspiracy "Angels"

International caller on my line; Tomorrow's just another distance. Put in a call to a friend of mine Just to say hello But What if there were angels? Oh, sometimes I swear that I can see them there: Making jokes and wearing black And speaking English just like me; Bright and kind and young and good, So come on, you, I know that we could still be that way. What do you say? It's two a.m. and I'm feeling fine, Staying up late with these men of mine. I've seen the angels and the things they do and every one Just makes me think of you. So come on. Making jokes and wearing black And wearing black and wearing black And they're right and good and wearing black And just like you And Always on my mind. Just the whole time. Angels I can see them. Here they come now. There's thousands of them. They're bearing you up. They're holding you up. I want to hold you in my arms. The Jazz Butcher's website is >>here<<.