December 30, 2007

F'd Puppet of the Week 12/30/07

After a 36 year streak of dental good fortune I think I may have developed my first cavity. I have a tooth that is giving me a dickens of a time so I am shoping around for a dentist. Behold, Dr. Ferguson...

Fun for Lil' Psychopaths

I got this framed, diabolically retarded comic book advertisement as a christmas gift from my brother and sister-in-law which promotes a series of models released by Aurora in 1971, on store shelves for just days before being discontinued due to pressure from concerned parents (although they continued to be sold in canada) and eventually put Aurora out of business entirely. Too bad... these would have been perfect gifts for boys who'd otherwise occupy their time with animal torture. Needless to say, even when these unbelievably cool models become available in unboxed, assembled, and painted form, they go for hundreds on ebay. Resin recasts of the originals in replica boxes, as well as unreleased prototypes, are also available for big bucks. (click images to enlarge)

December 26, 2007

Necessary Vandalism, December 26, 2007

I admit it: I visited Ach-N-Lou's Pizza Pub in Aurora, IL, this evening, and I left this senseless act of vandalism on one of the backroom picnic tables in my wake. I would have never considered doing this if they had not removed the goddamn Ms. Pac-Man/Galaga hybrid game.

PIZZA TEEN! Readers Poll Results

QUESTION: Which of these classics best captures the spirit of the holidays?

  • RoboCop (1987) 40%
  • Koyaanisqatsi (1982) 0%
  • The Deer Hunter (1978) 20%
  • Superman II (1980) 20%
  • Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948) 20%
Be sure to vote in the current poll!

December 23, 2007

Call Now! Operators Are Standing By.

F'd Puppet of the Week 12/23/07

What else could I possibly post but this. It's Christmas, it's my favorite puppets, Punch and Judy, and it's really, really F'd. Merry Christmas all...

December 22, 2007

A Surefire Recipe For Highly Entertaining Stupidity

Take a 1-pound chunk of Mick Jagger. Dice it with a switchblade. Add 3 squirts of Lemmy von Motörhead fluid. Add 1 scoop of soggy shredded denim and a fistful of oily Allman Brothers pubic hair. Gently stir with a dirty ashtray until well mixed. Dump the mixture into a public toilet. Shit in the toilet. Empty 8 cases of warm High Life into the toilet. Allow to congeal for 30 days. Angrily toss in a random grab bag of pills until something interesting starts to happen. Quickly sign it to a recording contract, then stand back and watch the magic!...

December 21, 2007

Merry Christmas from Chris Hitchens

I showed up to LAX way too early for my flight last week to new york. The plane was delayed, so I spent four hours in the terminal, plenty of time to read. But The airport was playing christmas songs. Loud. Nonstop. These weren't choral renditions, either; they were R&B stylings by the likes of phantasia and kelly clarkson. Concentrating on anything was near-impossible, so I went to the men's bathroom for a moment of quiet sanctuary. But a grown man was standing next to me at the urinal, passive-aggressively singing along with "jingle bell rock". New York was no better - JFK airport was playing the same fascist music. What is happening? Can't people be left with their own thoughts or goals in public spaces anymore? Are we living in a theocracy now? I was reminded of this when John Carpenter's "They Live" was on cable a couple nights ago (a risible, but appropriate, film for the holiday season) and also by today's interview with Chris Hitchens on the onion's website: "After Halloween, more or less, you can't go into a shop, or across a railway-station concourse, or even an airport, without this crap. And I'm serious: To me, it does feel like living in a one-party state." He's sort-of an asshole, but more than once his articles and insights have convinced me that I'm not losing my mind; that people deserve their personal freedom from religious oppression. Read the rest here. And look at his slate article on the origins of hanukkah. UPDATE! I don't mean to step on your toes, Stexe, but Eno's take on the subject would fit in nicely here. -Lance

Accidental Symbolism? Or A Message From The Lord?

This is the crossing signal at the corner of Manhattan and Nassasu in oily ol' Greenpoint, Brooklyn. It is just about the most appropriate sign one could ever hope to grace that specific corner as it is the "Cannery Row" of my neighborhood. At all hours, the hardcore drunken Polish men loiter there, stewing in a soup of cheap booze, cigarettes, urine, vomit, and garbage. For them, walking truly is a challenging proposition, especially for the grizzled legless guy in the wheelchair I pass every day on my way to the subway. I have a nickname for him in my mind: "Popeye Stumps."

December 19, 2007

Stexe's First Theremin

Stexe is far too humble to post his own video, so I have done so for him. More info and a video with better quality sound may be found here.

December 18, 2007

The Wilhelm Scream

This isn't a gag - these are the actual soundtracks to the films. Seemingly a favorite among sound editors, the wilhelm scream has been with us since the 50's and was used in all six of the star wars atrocities, along with hundreds of other movies and tv shows. I learned about it just now, while reading the "trivia" section on the page for "howard the duck". See the whole list on wikipedia.

PIZZA TEEN! Readers Poll Results

QUESTION: Your party cautiously descends into the reeking darkness of Cheney's subterranean lair. What is your marching order?

  • Fighter, magic-user, thief, cleric 16%
  • Thief, fighter, magic-user, cleric 33%
  • Cleric, fighter, magic-user, thief 50%
Be sure to vote in the current poll!

Santa Joins The Israeli-Palestinian Conflict By Fighting In The Intifada

"Zuruck in die atmossphaere"

By Der Plan, Germany's answer to The Residents. But more... german. Hear a whole podcast of their stuff here.

December 17, 2007

December 16, 2007

F'd Puppet of the Week 12/15/07

I'm speechless. All I can say is about a minute-thirty into this her mic gets all fucked up and you think "thank God, it's over," but they fix it and she finishes her "talent act."

December 12, 2007

Favorite Closing Credits

Damn I love these closing credits from Buckaroo Banzai. I love the music, I love the simplicity of it, I love how Pretty Boy's outfit changes, I love the ninja toe-shoes of which I went through at least 6 pairs from Pier 1 in the days of my youth, I love how the black kid and old black guy look like Scatman Crothers, and I hope the day comes soon when all this 70's fashion revival shit is gone and the 80's revival shit begins...

December 09, 2007

F'd Puppet of the Week 12/9/07

This is some classic hard-fucking-core educational film fun. One of my favorite parts of this hits at around 6:30 when they start talking about different dairy products. The asshole milkman doesn't even have his hand near the puppet. He has totally given up the pretense of being the one working it, and of course no one notices.

December 08, 2007

PIZZA TEEN! Readers Poll Results

QUESTION: The ubiquitous quality I find most obnoxious in anthropomorphic animals/babies shown in modern movies and cartoons is...

  • the sunglasses. 0%
  • the hip-hop attitude. 57%
  • the line "Now that's what I'm talking about!" 42%
  • the plain old "fucked-up-ness" of it all. 0%
Be sure to vote in the current poll!

December 07, 2007

Young Idiots Enjoying The Rock 'N' Roll Music

Videos courtesy of D. Bratton over at

December 06, 2007

The Case Against Humanity: Alvin And The Chipmunks

An anonymous contributor writes: I've been tormented by Alvin and the Chipmunks for about two weeks now, ever since a movie poster covered the side of an entire building on the sunset strip. It's been assaulting me every morning on my way to work. Worse than the "Click" billboard, even worse than the "Nacho Libre" billboard. Seeing Alvin with a gangster hoodie pulled down over his eyes spreads Christmas cheer like nothing else; he seems to be saying, "I want a hula hoop, mothafucka!" But this sends an already criminal act into truly terrifying, pathological territory: There's only one joke in this trailer, so the studio must've believed in it enough to sell the whole movie: Alvin literally eats shit. John Waters did it first with "Pink Flamingos" over 30 years ago, and now coprophagia is family entertainment. HERE HERE! I agree wholeheartedly. That's why I created that poll.

December 05, 2007

Video Game Concept For The Taking: Andy Kaufman Wrestling!

The time has come for someone to create a video game based on Andy Kaufman's brief career as a wrestler. The object would be different from other wrestling games: you succeed by pissing off the crowd, and actual physical contact with an opponent almost always results in failure...unless your opponent is a woman. And, of course, wrestling gigantic, meaty hillbilly women would be the core of the game. Play as Kaufman or, if you are so inclined, select another prominent comedian from the late 70s/early 80s, each with his own unique style-- Steven Wright, Richard Pryor, George Carlin, Rodney Dangerfield, etc. Score enough points and you may unlock the secret bonus level where you wrestle an impoverished, cranky fat woman in a wheelchair who squirts chewing tobacco drool when you jump upon her chest.

The Ghostface Killah Doll

For only $499, this could be the perfect christmas gift for that special someone in your life. With jewelry made of 14k gold and a digital player that recites actual lines from the man himself (the four honest-to-god recordings are, "I put in em shot up in em deadly venom", "ghostface ghostface", "remember when I long dicked you and broke your ovary" and "yo bitch I fucked your friend ya stank ho") along with the all-important certificate of authenticity, enclosed in a cardboard box "that has remnants of fine Louis XIII cognac". Buy It Now! Brought to attention by the's gift guide.

December 04, 2007

Russ Meyer: Brilliant Auteur or Flesh-Peddling Degenerate?

From "the incredibly strange film show", a late 80's british tv series featuring american directors like john waters, herschell gordon lewis, george romero and ed wood, and even some lesser-known cult directors like doris wishman, ted v. mikels and ray dennis steckler. I taped and saved all the episodes when they were broadcast stateside on a cable network a couple years later, but this russ meyer episode never aired in america due to copyright issues. I just saw it for the first time. It's a well-made retrospective of a diverse and talented filmmaker. If you haven't seen "mudhoney", "faster pussycat" or "beyond the valley of the dolls" since college, give them another spin. part 2 part 3 part 4

A PIZZA TEEN! WTF?! Photo Of The Day

I was required to stare at this hovering, lecherous image while using the University Diner's men's room at 12th street and University Place...

December 03, 2007

A PIZZA TEEN! WTF?! Photo Of The Day

Zoomed past me, heading west on 42nd street near 7th avenue...

December 01, 2007

F'd Puppet of the Week 12/2/07

So the bitch is trying to take half his money. She went and fuckin' filed papers on the man and didn't even tell him first. I've watched "Hogan Knows Best" and if that bimbo thinks she can walk off with half of the Hulksters stuff she's got another thing coming. The gloves are coming off bitch!

November 30, 2007

PIZZA TEEN! Readers Poll Results

QUESTION: Which of these do-it-yourself solutions to baldness is most in keeping with your rock 'n' roll lifestyle?

  • Hat 16%
  • Bandanna 50%
  • Close shave 33%
Be sure to vote in the current poll!

November 28, 2007

The Joe E. Ross Memorial Post

My First Circuit

(and my first youtube video) A very simple touch-sensitive oscillator I just wired up, consisting of an IC chip, capacitor, resistor, 9-volt battery and a couple of quarters. Touching both quarters sends the current through the body to close the circuit. Pitch is controlled by the amount of pressure applied (more surface area of the fingers= more electricity= higher pitch). It only makes farty noises for now, but will have some additional oscillators stacked on and be put into a sculpture eventually. For updates, check elsewhere. I recommend "Handmade Electronic Music" by Nicolas Collins, a great book for novices like myself to quickly start scratch-building music machines.

November 27, 2007

November 26, 2007

Here Is Your Robot Music

U2's "The Joshua Tree" Revisited 20 Years Later

I didn't bother to give U2's "The Joshua Tree" the time of day until two years after it was released. There were legions of assholes in Lincoln-Way High School who thought they were Bono. They were the same kids in tight-rolled jeans who had "INXS KICK" scrawled all over the covers of their notebooks. But once the excitement had settled to a tolerable simmer, I borrowed "Umberto St. John's" cassette and copied it. So now, 18 years later, it is comfortably one of my ten desert island albums. It's an untouchable, perfect classic in my book. I attribute at least half of why I feel that way to the production of Daniel Lanois and Brian Eno-- there's an eerie, rich, organic texture to the album which simply sounds unlike anything else. So, as you may have seen, the album was just re-issued in three versions: the basic remastered CD, a 2-CD version which includes a collection of B-sides and singles, and a deluxe version with the 2 CDs, a DVD, a book and some prints. I'd always felt that, like The Cure's "Disintegration," the CD was a little muddy sounding, so I opted for the new 2-CD version. I have no regrets: it's a sparkling example of a remastered album done right. But that's not entirely what this post is about. Read on. My roommate is the editor of a popular music magazine. Universal sent him the deluxe version with the DVD to review. I was curious what I was missing, so I borrowed it last night to check out the concert and the documentary. I kind of wish I hadn't watched the concert. As concerts go, it's a great one, but my regret stems from the fact that I wish I hadn't witnessed Bono's weird Fiddler on the Roof outfit and the creepy strut/prance movements it seemed to inspire. Here's a low quality clip from that show. Blink and you might swear that's Mandy Patinkin on the vocals: Do you see why this is a problem? Now, when I listen to the album, a small portion of my brain won't be able to disassociate that ridiculous goddamn outfit from it. I can deal with The Edge's goofy reservation Indian/wampum trader hat because it's already in the album's cover photo. But the gypsy minstrel costume? Impossible.

November 25, 2007

F'd Puppet of the Week 11/25/07

At first glance this may seem to be a cheap off-market marionette of a popular drum playing character from the Muppets. It is in fact a cheap off-market marionette of the guy who used to beg me for change outside the liquor store next to Columbia College.

Keep your hands up...

A PIZZA TEEN! Original: "The Kitten's Pur"

My friend Mia and I shot this in about 2 hours last night using the cheapy 640x480 AVI movie mode of my 6 megapixel Canon Elph on a $10 tripod. I edited it in about 5 hours using Windows Movie Maker, a bare-bones "family-friendly" editor which ships with Windows XP and Vista. I kind of like the low resolution quality-- it has its own weird aesthetic which reminds me of 8mm, only a lot more flexible. I'm impressed by how fast and inexpensive it is to create a passable miniature movie now. If you are a person with movie making ambitions, you absolutely have no excuses any longer.

November 24, 2007

Two Stand-Out Tracks From Lynch's Inland Empire

Anyone who talks with me for a short while (or pays attention to any of my posts here) soon learns I'm a David Lynch geek. When they learn I'm a David Lynch geek who hasn't seen a single episode of Twin Peaks, they tend to feel I'm a malnourished David Lynch geek. One of the things I dig about him is his hands-on approach to multiple aspects of his films. What other big whoopdeedoo director (other than John Carpenter, perhaps) actually creates entire musical sections for the score? Lynch has been doing that since the beginning, but I believe Inland Empire marked the first time he actually provided the vocals himself. I recently picked up the soundtrack, and these are the two stand-out tracks for me. Lynch is singing on this first one: And this second one, while it sounds a little campy here, is strangely beautiful and moving in the context of the two moments of the film in which it is used: UPDATE! YouTube killed the videos as I knew they would. It's fair. I'm impressed by how fast they did so. Good to see that someone's got Lynch's back.

November 23, 2007

PIZZA TEEN! Readers Poll Results

QUESTION: The house is being assailed by zombies! Quick! Which of these prominent African-American authors do you trust to cover your back with the 12-gauge as you investigate the cellar for supplies?

  • Maya Angelou o%
  • Toni Morrison 75%
  • Zora Neal Hurston 25%
  • Alice Walker 0%
Be sure to vote in the current poll!

November 22, 2007

Happy Frickin' Thanksgiving

Fellow Blogger: Crummy Church Signs

I discovered this blog randomly while checking on the common spelling of "crummy" versus "crumby" for my previous post. The mission statement appears to be "critical analysis of critically bad church signs." I don't know how some of these people do it, how they manage to sustain their interest in such a tight, niche idea such as this, but God bless them. Check out the latest church sign madness or sort through THREE YEARS (!!!) of archives by CLICKING HERE.

A PIZZA TEEN! Arts & Crafts Holiday Activity

Stuck in a crummy hotel this holiday? Plan to be in a hotel in the near future? Feeling bored or anticipate that you will be bored? Kiss the blues goodbye, friend! Grab one of those lame-ass paintings or prints hanging on the hotel room's wall and scrawl a prayer to the Antichrist on the back! Non-stop laughs! And who's going to know? The photos below were taken way back in 1999 or 2000 while my friend John was staying at the Desmond Hotel in Albany, NY. As he was settling in, I decided to take liberty with my pen. Here's a photo of the Desmond: And somewhere in one of the rooms, written on the back of one of the paintings, is the following (click to zoom): Here it is in greater detail (click to zoom):

November 21, 2007

November 19, 2007


It's hard not to approach "peanuts" with reservations: all that ubiquitous merchandising, those sickeningly sweet television specials... but charles schulz's original comic strip, which he wrote, drew, ruled and lettered for 50 years without assistants, is most often a tragic self-portrait of a lonely and doubtful man. Even towards the end of his life, with 55 million people reading his strip, and an income upwards of 40 million a year, he often complained to his wife, "I wish I knew if people really liked me". It's amazing that such unrelenting pessimism had so much appeal. When asked why charlie brown had to always lose, he replied, "because there is nothing funny about the person who gets to kick the football. Drama and humor come from trouble and sadness, and mankind's ability to survive life's unhappiness." "Charles Schulz and Peanuts", the most exhaustive Schulz biography, was recently published. A quick recap with examples of his strips can be found here. And if you missed the wonderful PBS "american masters" episode from two weeks ago, look for it on video.

Point - Counterpoint REVISITED!

Additional evidence has surfaced which demands that I revisit Stexe's original "Point - Counterpoint" post. Behold! Point: Drugs Are Not Cool Counterpoint: Drugs Are Cool

New High Score On Wizard Of Wor: 86,900!

Another of my absurd M.A.M.E. preoccupations is Midway's 1980 classic Wizard of War, a simple, satisfying game, with awesome sounds and a classy use of a primative color palette. I fed a lot of quarters into the Wizard of Wor game at Coachlite Skate Center in Roselle, IL, back when Journey's "Escape" was the big new album, but I'm still no master of the game. There don't seem to be any discernible patterns, and it appears that the Wizard himself only materializes when he damn well wants to. When he does appear, it's impressively scary, but if you do manage to kick his hooded ass back into the nameless void from whence he came, the program flips out and goes all black and white with extra weird freak-out sounds a'la The Bishop of Battle. Here's a dude getting his ass handed to him by the Wizard... but still managing to stomp my high score by nearly ten grand. Damn him! Anyway, here's the screenshot, which, now that I've had a moment to think about it, seems pitiful on many levels.

November 17, 2007

F'd Puppet of the Week 11/18/07

The day Jim Henson died I was so distraught I was sent home from work. My dreams of making puppetry a career seemed to die along with him. The older I get the more I seeth with regrets. I am resolved to do something meaningful and creative in the puppetry arts before I leave this earth. This week I offer two of my favorite pieces by Jim Henson. First, his version of "Time in a bottle" an errie piece depicting his often expressed and sadly fulfilling fear that he did not have enough time in life to do all he wanted to accomplish. And second, his very early and WHACKED OUT short film, "Time Piece". You will never think of Jim Henson the same way again, and there sure ain't no puppets in it. Still, it shows his obsession with time and mortality. Two topics that are increasingly near and dear to my own heart.


Sure it's fake, but it's still funny: ITALIAN SPIDERMAN

November 16, 2007

Elvis Trapped In A Rehersal Hell Of His Own Making

The cause... The effect...

Scientology or Psychiatry: Choose Your Poison

Speaking from the computer-generated sets of Revenge of The Sith, Ron Savelo promises to have the answers. But like all of scientology's videos and literature, this knowledge is never disclosed. It's ostensibly about brain anatomy, but quickly devolves into L. Ron Hubbard's invented terms: life is all about "livingness... the beingnesses, doingnesses, and havingnesses" (actual quote at 4:10). It's as incomprehensible as a Lyndon Larouche pamphlet, but the one part that resonates with me is the outrage towards the pharmaceutical industry; I realize it has saved millions of lives, but their influence in politics and the health care system is upsetting and dangerous. When in hollywood, visit the scientologists' new hatecrime, the high-budget Psychiatry: An Industry of Death museum. It's free. On your way out, a couple of the most beautiful young receptionists you've ever seen will ask if you'd like an oral survey. Tell them you're in a hurry because you have to feed the parking meter. They'll tell you to move the car into their free parking lot. Turn and run.

November 15, 2007

Ghost in The Machine


PIZZA TEEN! Readers Poll Results

QUESTION: Which part of Mike Damone's five-point plan has proved the most effective?

  • Never let on how much you like a girl.
  • Always call the shots. 25%
  • Act like wherever you are, that's the place to be.
  • When ordering food, you find out what she wants, then order for the both of you.
  • When it comes down to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV. 75%
Be sure to vote in the current poll!

Marcia Brady: A Gateway To Preadolescent Eroticism

When I was a kid, there was something very, VERY interesting about this scene from The Brady Bunch which I couldn't quite express. In time, I got it: it is by far-- by FAR!-- the most awesomely decadent erotic metaphor aimed at children and young adults I have ever seen on broadcast television. Has it been surpassed? Boy, that Peter sure IS a lucky son of a gun! I was similarly intrigued by Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, the girl from the Witch Mountain movies, and Nellie from Little House On The Prairie-- they were all incredibly interesting, but I lacked the understanding and the words to express why. BONUS! The people who overdubbed the very NOT SAFE FOR WORK video below seem to have had similar issues, although, I recall having mine ironed out by fifth grade.

November 14, 2007

November 13, 2007

Know Your Roots

November 12, 2007

F'd Puppet of the Week 11/11/07

Point - Counterpoint

Point: Drugs Are Not Cool Counterpoint: Drugs Are Cool

November 09, 2007

Dear Bucket Drummers,...

I have a heartfelt message for the professional bucket drummers of the world: FUCK YOU! I'm all in favor of street musicians, but I am vehemently opposed to the specific hollow BANG! BANG! BANG! of the plastic bucket. The sound is on the same level of unpleasantness as the wail of children in the hospital's burn ward. Here's how it works: as a new bucket drummer on the subway platform, you shall use some of the money you earn to buy yourself a percussion instrument which doesn't cause pops of internal bleeding within my brain. I don't care how talented you are, if after two days you are still beating away on a bucket, I hope, for the sake of my inner ear health, that a Central American mother driving a stroller full of children, bootleg DVDs and churros "accidentally" shoves you and your bucket in front of a screaming express train-- the sound of your scattered chunks clattering rhythmically along the tracks will be a huge sonic improvement over the bucket.

November 08, 2007

Make Mine Vanilla

PIZZA TEEN! Readers Poll Results

QUESTION: Jack and Jill ran up _______.

  • the pile of fetal pigs 10%
  • Pat Morita's driveway 40%
  • $1500.00 in late fees 20%
  • one another's thighs 20%
  • the hill 10%
Be sure to vote in the current poll!

Chuck Close Discusses His Creative Process

I'm not a fan of Chuck Close's art, but I respect him and his ability to speak candidly, clearly and intelligently about his work. Like Warhol, there's just no mystery in his work for me-- it seems like he gets an idea for a new way of making a portrait, then he flips on the autopilot. He knows what it's going to look like before it even exists, and for an artist like myself who enjoys surprises, that's not a terribly interesting way to work. I also got really, REALLY sick of hearing about him all the time while in Grad School from his friend, painter & University at Albany professor Mark Greenwold (he's the guy in Chuck's painting above). As seems to be my fate when our paths cross, I got stuck in a tiny elevator with Chuck and his $24,000.00 robo-wheelchair a couple of weeks ago. Well, Chuck's been rolling around town, promoting his gigantic book. He was on WNYC recently and gave an insightful interview about his process, and to be honest, it's pretty good. If I sound like I'm down on Chuck, I'm not. The tone is just a lingering weariness from having to endure endless dialogues from Greenwold on what a terrific guy Chuck Close is. Enough is enough! I get it already, you know? Anyway, the interview is below. I recommend it.

November 07, 2007

A Four Act Metaphor

November 06, 2007

"Hush, Little Robot"

I'm a huge admirer of way-out composer / technical genius / visionary shaman Bruce Haack, but this documentary (which I haven't seen) looks dubious. I'm only posting this trailer because it contains a rare clip of his appearance on Mister Roger's Neighborhood, in which he displays one of his homemade music machines (enclosed entirely inside a briefcase). Haack made children's records in the 1960's until he either found God or scored some good acid, inspiring him to make the brilliant and charming Electric Lucifer record in 1970. UPDATE! Being that (a) Electric Lucifer has never been domestically re-released and (b) everyone should hear it, you can get a free download of the whole LP here!

A PIZZA TEEN! Giveaway!: Desktop Wallpaper

A belated Halloween treat for you, loyal PIZZA TEEN! reader: a desktop wallpaper of the awesome Soul Train hideaway of Dick Hallorann (Scatman Crothers), the Overlook Hotel's head chef in The Shining. Two sizes are available for maximum convenience and amusement. Select the one which best suits your needs and save it as your desktop's wallpaper/background. (WARNING: Boobs!)

November 05, 2007


from Justice Society of America Vol. 3 #10 "Thy Kingdom Come"

November 04, 2007


November 03, 2007

F'd Puppet of the Week 11/04/07

Pure and simple, this guy's shit makes me smile. Enjoy! Keep your hands up... Umberto St. John

November 01, 2007

PIZZA TEEN! Readers Poll Results

QUESTION: Which corporate media empire loves you the most?

  • Disney 23%
  • News Corp. 0%
  • Sony 14%
  • Time Warner 14%
  • Viacom 42%
Be sure to vote in the current poll!

October 30, 2007

Why Fear Global Warming...

....when Aquaman will flood the country with his negligence anyway? With an uncanny resemblance to the bush administration, the justice league absolves all responsibility for the incident, blaming the nationwide disaster on their enemies. There are hundreds of Challenge of The Superfriends clips and episodes on youtube, all exhibiting crowded plots, kinetic pacing, and total disregard for logic. Unbelievable things happen on this show, and it's recommended if you can tolerate the idiocy.

October 29, 2007

Robot of the Week: Rom The Spaceknight

Dear impressionable kid, You may have been connived into making your parents buy Rom The Spaceknight because of this admittedly awesome TV promo: Well, tough luck. Consider this a lesson in diminished expectations. Yeah, we know... his head is silver, but his body is an ugly teal color. We were in such a hurry to get it on the market, there was a mixup at the factory in china. We also originally planned to put green LED lights in him, but the red ones are cheaper. And it may have helped if we made him more articulated; his only movable parts are the arms at the shoulder joints. But never mind that, Rom is a robot! (not really, he's supposed to be a cyborg) 1980 is right around the corner, and you deserve the most up-to-date computing power available. So lets explore Rom's true robotic potential. We've ensured that playtime with Rom will entail lots of tedious bullshit: to activate the energy analyzer, put it in his hand and plug it into his torso with the included cable. Then you'll see two buttons on his back. Press the left button five times to program him. Then press the right button to make it function. For the translator, you'll need to press the left button three times. rocket pack: once. respirator: twice. neutralizer: four times. Unless you have a good memory, don't lose these instructions! Have fun with your beeping, flashing, unposable piece of styrene, chump! -parker brothers (thanks to the tobor post for inspiration)

October 28, 2007

F'd Puppet of the Week 10/28/07

I wanted to find something really scary for Halloween. This fucker has been giving me nightmares since my childhood. Enjoy! Keep your hands up... Umberto St. John

October 27, 2007

Three Shock Endings

I don't necessarily promote these movies, but they're the three finales that may have affected me the most. I didn't want to give anything away, so all the selections are "pg" rated trailers, not the endings. Friday the 13th An okay film, especially in its final reel of delirium. The shocking bit I'm talking about the aftermath, when the lone survivor wakes in the morning and takes a liesurely cruise in a canoe. I saw this on cable when I was twelve, and couldn't bring myself to sit through it again for several years. Mother's Day An extremely brutal film, which I think is still banned in England. I don't recommend it at all, but the final few seconds before the credits roll have stayed with me forever. Sleepaway Camp This has to be the ultimate. I was so traumatized by this movie's final scene that I almost vomited. You can find the ending on youtube, but it isn't the same if you don't sit through everything that precedes it. Honorable mention: Carrie and Tourist Trap.

October 26, 2007

A PIZZA TEEN! Moment Of Sober Absurdity: "Showdown With Iran"

I know it's tough to pry one's self away from staring at Britney's tits, railing against the absence of lapel pins, or French kissing the latest cellular device, but if you need a proverbial stinging splash of cold water thrown in your face, I highly recommend watching the incredibly interesting Frontline program "Showdown With Iran." It's certainly not very encouraging. In a forum such as this stupid blog which devotes itself almost entirely to presenting moments of human absurdity, I feel this one fits in perfectly beside a post about Shemp in vinyl chaps.

October 25, 2007


EDITOR'S WARNING! Buckets of gore ahead!
Dr. Butcher M.D. (a.k.a. Zombie Holocaust) (1980)

Man On The Left vs. Man On The Right

Inspired by the illustration in Stexe's "No Tickee, No Shirtee" post, I am forced to confront this question: based on the images below, who do you believe had a greater mass of carcinogenic beef residue impacted in his large intestine at the height of his career? Ernest Borgnine (aka "Cabbie" in Escape From New York) on the left or his genetic brethren Lionel Stander (aka "Max, the Butler" in Hart to Hart) on the right?

No Tickee, No Shirtee

Is that a monkey? Or a mole-man? Jee-zus! Scanned from an old newsprint catalog of magic tricks, which I picked up at a flea market. Just one of many mongoloid caricatures found throughout the book. The difference is, all the other tricks (chinese ring illusion, chinese wands, chinese bag) exploit the mysteries of the orient. This particular trick turns the tables on the cunning, unscrupulous chinaman; He thought he could steal from me, but I showed him. As for the saying itself, here's an explanation from "Typically, when people learn a new language, they layer their new vocabulary on top of the grammatical structure of their native language. No tickee no shirtee is a fine example of this linguistic phenomenon, for it is a transliteration into English of a perfectly grammatical and idiomatic Mandarin Chinese phrase: mei(2) pian(3) yi(1) mei(2) chun(3) yi(1); literally, no ticket, no shirt." Be sure to narrate the launderer's voice with a goofy, "mickey rooney from breakfast at tiffany's" accent, and wear one of these while doing the act.

October 24, 2007

PIZZA TEEN! Readers Poll Results

QUESTION: Am I the only one in the world who couldn't give two shits about the release of a new Radiohead album?

  • Yes, you are. Piss off! 12%
  • No. That guy's voice makes me hemorrhage blood! 37%
  • Radio who? Oh, that’s that genetic disease which causes accelerated boney skull growth, right? 50%
Be sure to vote in the current poll!

October 23, 2007

Robot of the Week: The Writer

Many writing automata were built and exhibited in the 18th century, but swiss clockmaker Jacquet-Droz's 1772 creation can truly be called one of the first computers; it could be programmed to write any message up to 40 characters long. After winding, The Writer dips a quill pen into the ink, shakes it, and brings it over to the page. The eyes follow along with what is being written, and the head moves when periodically dipping the pen back into the inkwell. It's currently on display at the Musee d'Art d'Histoire in Neuchatel, Switzerland, and is considered to be the most complex surviving robot of the 1700's. Click here for a more detailed examination of its mechanisms, and here for Jacquet-Droz's similar programmable creation, "The Drawer."

The Amazing Colossal Man (NFL Edition) Attacks London!

No, that's not a real man in the photo, just an estimate of the average professional football player's proportions in the year 2015 based upon the findings of a recent FDA study investigating skyrocketing levels of roids, electrolytes, industrial toxins and corn syrup in the average American's diet. Okay, that was a lie. It's just a dumb NFL marketing stunt in Trafalgar Square, London. The NFL hopes to expand American Football to foreign markets. Let's hope they fail hard & fast because, really, haven't we exported enough bad will and stupidity lately? I snagged the photos from Flickr user "normko" who, hopefully, will accept this loving link to his profile as compensation for the use of his images.

October 22, 2007

A Safe Halloween Is A Boring Halloween

I'm blatantly stealing one of the many wonderful videos from this guy's blog. Watch as the narrator utterly destroys this poor kid's Halloween fun while systematically guilting her into dressing as Gandalf The White rather than the classic black witch she wants to be. I say take a chance, kid. Wear whatever the hell you want and don't let this dizzy, paranoid broad psyche you out. There's only about a 15% chance that you will be killed or crippled by an angry, reckless driver. If you survive the night, you will be a stronger person with a great holiday memory. Also, DON'T THROW AWAY THE MASK!!! It may come in handy a few years from now when you are too old to trick-or-treat, but just old enough to hold up a liquor store.

October 21, 2007

A Visit to Transylvania

F'd Puppet of the Week 10/21/07





October 20, 2007

Links of Shame

We all have them in "Our Favorites". Those links we are ashamed of. The secret links we don't tell anyone about. Links to places on the web that are like the deep, dark places inside ourselves. Guilty pleasures, windows to our true selves, dreams and nightmares.

I don't want you to surf for something funny, something shocking. I can find that shit myself, we all can. I want you to post something real. Something risky. Something you have bookmarked RIGHT NOW. Someplace you lurk online that's like getting a peek inside your diary. Use a fake name - I don't really want to know what came from who. As a gesture of good faith, I'll go first. Name and all.


Robotron 2084: Wood Putty For The Gaps In My Plywood Social Life

Often on the weekends, when I'm not engaged in a spirited inner debate on the merits of suicide, I piss away a good portion of my life playing a 25-year old videogame whose premise, like most videogames, is to rescue a bunch of helpless, innocent losers while murdering wave after wave after wave of assholes trying to stab, stomp, and blast me. In the game, you try to hold out for as long as you can, but no matter how skillfully you play the game nor for how long you endure, you are doomed to physically succumb to the evil forces aligned against you. In other words, it's a very realistic simulation. The game is Robotron 2084 and I play it on M.A.M.E., a piece of free, readily available software which enables me and anyone else with nothing better to do to play illegal emulations of copywritten videogame ROMs, the bits of code which compose the actual game. Tonight, after more than two decades of pursuing the proverbial million-point Moby-Dick, I managed to reach a new high score: 940,775. Hoo-fuckin'-ray for me. The current high score world record is held by Brian King of Aurora, CO, a man who, when not engaged in a game of Robotron 2084, must surely wrestle with powerful demons the size of Ted Nugent's ego. A crappy but passable Shockwave version of the game can be played immediately here.

October 19, 2007

Most Depressing Cartoon?

Which cartoon bummed you out the most as a kid? Super Globetrotters? Rubik the Amazing Cube? or Hammerman?

The Blue Aeroplanes: The Largest Band Roster Ever?

I was perusing the website for a band you will not give a rat's ass about: the Bristol-based Blue Aeroplanes who, in 1990, belched out the incredibly underrated masterpiece (in my opinion), Swagger. A link on their website directs visitors to their Wikipedia page, and (this is the part where you may start to get interested) toward the end of that page, someone has created a spreadsheet illustrating the band's ever-spinning revolving door of personnel. It's on the Spinal Tap scale of ridiculousness. Check it out.

October 18, 2007

The Overdubbed Rock Performance Videos Of "StSanders"

Finnish YouTube user "StSanders" has created an online name for himself by overdubbing videos of bloated rock performances so they sound exactly like any given moment in Guitar Center. All of his videos can be found here, but the two below are my favorites.

October 17, 2007

PIZZA TEEN! Readers Poll Results

QUESTION: Your country is in danger of disintegrating. As a concerned citizen, what do you intend to do about it?

  • Talk about/write about/read about Apple brand software & devices. 0%
  • Furiously masturbate to internet porn. 40%
  • Gorge myself on BitTorrented entertainment. 50%
  • Get a boob job and/or nose job, charge it on my American Express card. 10%
Be sure to vote in the current poll!

"Chunky Homestyle Radio" Via The Audio Kitchen

A friend of mine recommended this "found sound" streaming web station a year or so ago, and I still poke my head in every once in a while. Perhaps you will find it curious. The elusive curator-- "The Professor"-- describes the site and accompanying radio stream as a forum for "the myriad sound artifacts created by ordinary folks using everyday home recording equipment...some are more formal documentation of events and audio letters...then there’s more incidental and ephemeral recordings, like answering machine tapes, personal notes, voice lessons, AA meetings, and all the imaginative antics that can occur when a kid gets a hold of a recorder...and there’s music too." My favorite bit so far was made by a man who allows the recorder to run while he cleans and dresses himself so he can make his daily trip to the store to buy orange juice. The entire time, he pokes fun at himself about how people suck and how lonely he is and how no one understands him. The Audio Kitchen is located here. If you prefer to just hear the streaming show for yourself,...