November 09, 2007

Dear Bucket Drummers,...

I have a heartfelt message for the professional bucket drummers of the world: FUCK YOU! I'm all in favor of street musicians, but I am vehemently opposed to the specific hollow BANG! BANG! BANG! of the plastic bucket. The sound is on the same level of unpleasantness as the wail of children in the hospital's burn ward. Here's how it works: as a new bucket drummer on the subway platform, you shall use some of the money you earn to buy yourself a percussion instrument which doesn't cause pops of internal bleeding within my brain. I don't care how talented you are, if after two days you are still beating away on a bucket, I hope, for the sake of my inner ear health, that a Central American mother driving a stroller full of children, bootleg DVDs and churros "accidentally" shoves you and your bucket in front of a screaming express train-- the sound of your scattered chunks clattering rhythmically along the tracks will be a huge sonic improvement over the bucket.

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