October 25, 2007

Man On The Left vs. Man On The Right

Inspired by the illustration in Stexe's "No Tickee, No Shirtee" post, I am forced to confront this question: based on the images below, who do you believe had a greater mass of carcinogenic beef residue impacted in his large intestine at the height of his career? Ernest Borgnine (aka "Cabbie" in Escape From New York) on the left or his genetic brethren Lionel Stander (aka "Max, the Butler" in Hart to Hart) on the right?

8 comments:

stexe said...

Proof that Ernest Borgnine ate huge amounts of cancerous, rotting animal flesh... the dreaded "dutch oven". From msn.com:

"The coupling of thrice-wed Broadway belter Ethel Merman and twice-wed Oscar-winner Ernest Borgnine is one of the kookiest in Hollywood history. The unlikely duo's knot began unraveling on their honeymoon, when, according to Borgnine, he garnered the lion's share of fan attention, which left Merman seething. "By the time we got home, it was hell on earth," he recalled in 2001. "And after 32 days I said to her, 'Madam, bye.'" But things weren't exactly coming up roses for the Merm: she was allegedly subjected to the silent and deadly "Dutch Oven," which involved Borgnine releasing toxic fumes in bed while trapping her under the sheets. Merman, who never again married, devoted a chapter of her autobiography to the Borgnine marriage: It consisted of one blank page."

Lance said...

Just go back and stare deeply at his image and think about that line: "Borgnine releasing toxic fumes in bed while trapping her under the sheets."

That's the filthiest thing I've heard of in a long, long time. That sequence of words would serve well as the title of a song.

Skippy Spankmaester said...

And why is anything out of hollywood important? Now, if you will excuse me I have to go eat my 2 LB.'s of grilled meat.

stexe said...

sure, all you have to do is look at his photograph to know he's a real sick bastard in the sack. But don't be so quick to dismiss the dutch oven; it can be a tender, beautiful experience shared between two people. Problem is, unlike other unconventional bedroom activities which should be discussed before performing them (i.e. role-playing, scrotal infusion), it's best to spring the dutch oven on your partner unexpectedly for maximum comic effect. It also helps to be a lot stronger than her, so you can hold her down. Just have to use your best judgement to see if it's right for the relationship, I suppose. Best not to try it within days of your honeymoon, like ernest borgnine must have. I can picture him pinning ethel merman under the sheets, cackling, "whatsamatta, ethel? Can't take a joke?" brrrr.

hot funk said...

she was allegedly subjected to the silent and deadly "Dutch Oven," which involved Borgnine releasing toxic fumes in bed while trapping her under the sheets.

this might be the funniest thing I've read in a long time

SpaceMan5000 said...

FYI: The so-called "Dutch Oven" technique has also been referred to as a "Boston Steamer."

stexe said...

Sorry to correct you, 5000, but a "boston steamer" is not the same as a dutch oven. It's much, much worse, and I'd rather not go into details here. It is, however, synonymous with the "cleveland steamer". You can look it up on urbandictionary.com, or I'm assuming with google, but I don't recommend it.

SpaceMan5000 said...

Stexe,

I stand both corrected and horrified!! Against your recommendation, I looked it up **choke**