Robotron 2084: Wood Putty For The Gaps In My Plywood Social Life

Often on the weekends, when I'm not engaged in a spirited inner debate on the merits of suicide, I piss away a good portion of my life playing a 25-year old videogame whose premise, like most videogames, is to rescue a bunch of helpless, innocent losers while murdering wave after wave after wave of assholes trying to stab, stomp, and blast me. In the game, you try to hold out for as long as you can, but no matter how skillfully you play the game nor for how long you endure, you are doomed to physically succumb to the evil forces aligned against you. In other words, it's a very realistic simulation. The game is Robotron 2084 and I play it on M.A.M.E., a piece of free, readily available software which enables me and anyone else with nothing better to do to play illegal emulations of copywritten videogame ROMs, the bits of code which compose the actual game. Tonight, after more than two decades of pursuing the proverbial million-point Moby-Dick, I managed to reach a new high score: 940,775. Hoo-fuckin'-ray for me. The current high score world record is held by Brian King of Aurora, CO, a man who, when not engaged in a game of Robotron 2084, must surely wrestle with powerful demons the size of Ted Nugent's ego. A crappy but passable Shockwave version of the game can be played immediately here.