Poll: Bullshit Is Most Important Issue For 2008 Voters

Reverend St. John

After many years of dissatisfaction with organized religion-- specifically the ability to be ordained and continue to be a practicing rug-muncher-- I have treated myself to the basic ordination package at the Universal Life Church. They are the original fly-by-night outfit founded in the late fifties. It's the one all the stars go to. Yes, I will be among the ranks of people like Johnny Depp who have the legal power to marry people and park in a hospital zone. Check out the drop down box of "Titles" you can choose from for yourself when you buy the Complete Ministry Package. I wonder if my pastor at my "real" church will be offended??? Here's a link to the Universal Life Church.

PIZZA TEEN! Readers Poll Results

QUESTION: Please select 3 adjectives which describe your ideal New Year's Eve date.

• Vinegary 54%
• Flammable 45%
• Sticky 45%
• Bloated 36%
• Toothy 18%
• Grizzled 27%
• Stumpy 27%
• Mustardy 18%
• Beady-Eyed 18%
• Scaly 9%

Be sure to vote in the current poll!

Ugliest Toy in History?

"aired on local Chicago TV on Thursday, November 22nd 1979" according to the youtube poster. Being one of the two kids in my fifth grade class who had seen "Alien" in the theater, I absolutely lusted after this cuddly toy, designed by heroin-addicted occultist H.R. Giger. But I was too old for such things. I got a biology kit for christmas instead. Like the monster scenes models, these currently sell for hundreds on the auction block, and there are hobbyists who fabricate and sell parts to finish out incomplete figures. Check out the hissing little bastard in the opening scene... if my son did that, I'd take him in for rabies shots.

The Dark Knight 1966

With all the hype surrounding the new The Dark Knight movie, I thought this was a great take on it.

A PIZZA TEEN! Original: "A Scene From An Incomplete Film Starring Children"

A PIZZA TEEN! Original: "I'm going To Eat My Mexican Food"

Three Visions of Hell

Before we begin, let's turn down the volume on the video selections and set a more appropriate mood with some Coil: First up is "Dante's Inferno" from 1924. Shot on soundstages, this sequence involved 4,950 technicians, architects, artists, carpenters, stone masons and laborers, 250 electricians and 3,000 extras. Unavailable on video. For sheer delirium, it's hard to top this scene from "Esta Noite Encarnarei no Teu Cadaver" by Brazilian auteur Jose Mojica Marins. And of course, the insane "let's mess with peoples heads" ending from Disney's "The Black Hole". Just think what a great ride this could've been at Disneyland. Honorable mention goes to "Haxan" and Dio's "Last in Line" music video.