A Soundtrack For Successful Board Meetings

Tips for Aspiring Songwriters

In the 90's, a couple of Russian conceptual artists hired a market research firm to find out what sort of music people find annoying. After a poll of 500 people, here's what they came up with: "The most unwanted music is over 25 minutes long, veers wildly between loud and quiet sections, between fast and slow tempos, and features timbres of extremely high and low pitch, with each dichotomy presented in abrupt transition. The most unwanted orchestra was determined to be large, and features the accordion and bagpipe (which tie at 13% as the most unwanted instrument), banjo, flute, tuba, harp, organ, synthesizer. An operatic soprano raps and sings atonal music, advertising jingles, political slogans, and "elevator" music, and a children's choir sings jingles and holiday songs. The most unwanted subjects for lyrics are cowboys and holidays, and the most unwanted listening circumstances are involuntary exposure to commercials and elevator music. Fewer than 200 individuals of the world's total population would enjoy this piece." (click to listen) The Most Unwanted Music Not bad. Reminds me of early Residents, maybe even a little like Os Mutantes. It's entertaining, charming, filled with unexpected twists and turns, and has some nice instrumentation. It's also funny. I had to laugh out loud when it got to the children shouting in unison, "Do All Your Shopping! At Wal-Mart!" It's music, I suppose, but it's also something more. It's intriguing and provocative. In a word, it's art. And now, the same folks have used that same poll to produce the most wanted piece of music: “The most favored ensemble, determined from a rating by participants of their favorite instruments in combination, comprises a moderately sized group (three to ten instruments) consisting of guitar, piano, saxophone, bass, drums, violin, cello, synthesizer, with low male and female vocals singing in rock/r&b style. The favorite lyrics narrate a love story, and the favorite listening circumstance is at home. The only feature in lyric subjects that occurs in both most wanted and unwanted categories is “intellectual stimulation.' Most participants desire music of moderate duration (approximately 5 minutes), moderate pitch range, moderate tempo, and moderate to loud volume…” (click to listen) The Most Wanted Music Just trying to be helpful, for those of you who want to make it in the record industry.

A PIZZA TEEN! Original: "We're Going To Make Some Eggs!"

F'd Puppet of the Week 5/18/08

Were I physically capable of getting a woody, I'd have one for this. A lovely combination of puppets, zombies, gore and the wild west.

F'd Puppet of the Week 5/11/08

I actually enjoy this one. It is done in the style of an old Burns and Allen episode, complete with corny jokes. But the direct approach actually makes it funny. Enjoy!

"People, Let Me Get This Off My Chest"

It's finally back! The bootleg album I mentioned months ago on this blog, the one comprised entirely of Paul Stanley's subhuman banter between songs during KISS shows, is being hosted by the good folks at Egg City Radio. Download it for free here.

F'd Puppet of the Week 5/5/08

I'm sure that SNL stole the idea for Tonto, Tarzan & Frankenstein from this Muppet classic. It's just so darn silly and is done as if the characters were dead serious about it, it always cracks me up.

MIDI Madness!

I recently received the following email: "You know those sites or Ebay listings where you are suddenly blasted with ambient music meant to enhance the experience? Usually in the same way someone will print a letter on paper with little kittens on top of it? Anyway, I think you should add that to your site. No warning, no explanation, just randomly for a day, hour, week, put some song on there that people are forced to listen to - no off button. And never explain or respond to input about it. My first suggestion is the 80's song Breaka My Stride..." Good suggestion, anonymous friend! Matthew Wilder's hit "Break My Stride" would make a catchy and incredibly annoying addition to PIZZA TEEN!, but there are so many equally worthy candidates which deserve consideration. I quickly sorted through a couple of free MIDI sites, searching for the corniest interpretations, and compiled this lot. What do you think? I really like the ones which substitute an awkward electronic horn or flute for vocals (EX: "Babe"). (click a link to listen)

• Matthew Wilder "Break My Stride"
• Styx "Babe"
• Led Zeppelin "Dazed And Confused" (not to be missed!)
• Better Midler "Wind Beneath My Wings"
• Bonnie Tyler "Total Eclipse Of The Heart"
• Billie Ocean "Loverboy"
• Steve Perry "Oh Sherry"
• Irene Cara "What A Feeling"
• Billy Idol "Flesh For Fantasy"
• Asia "Heat Of The Moment"
• A-Ha "Take On Me"
• Gordon Lightfoot "The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald"
• Metallica "Master Of Puppets"
• Night Ranger "Sister Christian"
• Peaches 'N' Herb "Reunited"
• The Smiths "How Soon Is Now?"
• Mötley Crüe "Girls Girls Girls"

On a related note, my friend Jennifer Sullivan has been known to sing over MIDI files she's found online, reworking them with a bit of reverb. Click on the image of Jennifer in her skimpy outfit below to hear the results for yourself on her MySpace music page. I recommend her cover of "Against All Odds," the last track on the playlist.