Man On The Left vs. Man On The Right

Inspired by the illustration in Stexe's "No Tickee, No Shirtee" post, I am forced to confront this question: based on the images below, who do you believe had a greater mass of carcinogenic beef residue impacted in his large intestine at the height of his career? Ernest Borgnine (aka "Cabbie" in Escape From New York) on the left or his genetic brethren Lionel Stander (aka "Max, the Butler" in Hart to Hart) on the right?

No Tickee, No Shirtee

Is that a monkey? Or a mole-man? Jee-zus! Scanned from an old newsprint catalog of magic tricks, which I picked up at a flea market. Just one of many mongoloid caricatures found throughout the book. The difference is, all the other tricks (chinese ring illusion, chinese wands, chinese bag) exploit the mysteries of the orient. This particular trick turns the tables on the cunning, unscrupulous chinaman; He thought he could steal from me, but I showed him. As for the saying itself, here's an explanation from everything2.com: "Typically, when people learn a new language, they layer their new vocabulary on top of the grammatical structure of their native language. No tickee no shirtee is a fine example of this linguistic phenomenon, for it is a transliteration into English of a perfectly grammatical and idiomatic Mandarin Chinese phrase: mei(2) pian(3) yi(1) mei(2) chun(3) yi(1); literally, no ticket, no shirt." Be sure to narrate the launderer's voice with a goofy, "mickey rooney from breakfast at tiffany's" accent, and wear one of these while doing the act.

PIZZA TEEN! Readers Poll Results

QUESTION: Am I the only one in the world who couldn't give two shits about the release of a new Radiohead album?

• Yes, you are. Piss off! 12%
• No. That guy's voice makes me hemorrhage blood! 37%
• Radio who? Oh, that’s that genetic disease which causes accelerated boney skull growth, right? 50%

Be sure to vote in the current poll!

Robot of the Week: The Writer

Many writing automata were built and exhibited in the 18th century, but swiss clockmaker Jacquet-Droz's 1772 creation can truly be called one of the first computers; it could be programmed to write any message up to 40 characters long. After winding, The Writer dips a quill pen into the ink, shakes it, and brings it over to the page. The eyes follow along with what is being written, and the head moves when periodically dipping the pen back into the inkwell. It's currently on display at the Musee d'Art d'Histoire in Neuchatel, Switzerland, and is considered to be the most complex surviving robot of the 1700's. Click here for a more detailed examination of its mechanisms, and here for Jacquet-Droz's similar programmable creation, "The Drawer."

The Amazing Colossal Man (NFL Edition) Attacks London!

No, that's not a real man in the photo, just an estimate of the average professional football player's proportions in the year 2015 based upon the findings of a recent FDA study investigating skyrocketing levels of roids, electrolytes, industrial toxins and corn syrup in the average American's diet. Okay, that was a lie. It's just a dumb NFL marketing stunt in Trafalgar Square, London. The NFL hopes to expand American Football to foreign markets. Let's hope they fail hard & fast because, really, haven't we exported enough bad will and stupidity lately? I snagged the photos from Flickr user "normko" who, hopefully, will accept this loving link to his profile as compensation for the use of his images.

A Safe Halloween Is A Boring Halloween

I'm blatantly stealing one of the many wonderful videos from this guy's blog. Watch as the narrator utterly destroys this poor kid's Halloween fun while systematically guilting her into dressing as Gandalf The White rather than the classic black witch she wants to be. I say take a chance, kid. Wear whatever the hell you want and don't let this dizzy, paranoid broad psyche you out. There's only about a 15% chance that you will be killed or crippled by an angry, reckless driver. If you survive the night, you will be a stronger person with a great holiday memory. Also, DON'T THROW AWAY THE MASK!!! It may come in handy a few years from now when you are too old to trick-or-treat, but just old enough to hold up a liquor store.

A Visit to Transylvania

F'd Puppet of the Week 10/21/07